I wrote this earlier today, and am close to deleting it. Instead I'll edit and see how I feel later.
Mostly because I'm sick of seeming to write the same thing. Largely due to the fact that I wish I could keep these emotions in, hidden. I can't seem to figure out how to represent myself right now. I wrote a verse for a song today. That's all I've written (songwriting wise) in the past month. In a month filled with a lot of emotion, you'd think that I'd be writing up a storm. I'm scared to write out these emotions because writing them out makes them set in stone. I'm not sure if that makes sense. An hour ago I pulled out my guitar, and played songs I wrote in January. I remember where I was when I wrote them both physically and emotionally. I know who was sitting beside me, and the people who inspired the songs. I can vividly feel those emotions when I play the songs. So somehow now, by not writing my emotions into song I am avoiding future pain. Yet by keeping them in, I am prolonging this pain. I know this because after writing the songs in January I was able to move forward. It might be time to spend a day with my guitar.
Heartache is not like a headache which you can treat with a pill, but is a bit more like a twisted ankle that slowly gains strength over a length of time. Bad eyes get glasses, bad teeth get braces. Cold hands wear gloves, and when it rains, one grabs an umbrella.
There are various remedies; chocolate, ice cream, tears, chick flicks, girl times, etc, etc.... There is also Jesus. A lot of Jesus. A lot of surrender. Yet heartache doesn't get cured. It just has to be constantly dealt with. Or at least that's how mine is.
Surrender. surrender. surrender. surrender. surrender. Repeat. Rinse? Surrender.
I keep having to re-throne the Lord. Because every time I get hit with a wave, I realize how much more of Jesus I need. I realize how broken I am, not only because of all that has happened, but also because my sin is great. Yet my Maker is greater. His faithfulness is more endless than the horizon seems to stretch, and his love is unending.
The "pro" of this experience in my life is that it makes me need Jesus to fill the voids I mentioned a while ago. I'm learning that Jesus fills the voids. No person or thing can fill them. Jesus is the only thing that will bring joy to my heart. A gospel centered life is the only way to live.
In the middle of family dinner on Thanksgiving, I suddenly was hit with a wave. I looked around and realized that there was supposed to be an extra seat there. I was skyping with my brother, and thought of the shadow that was supposed to be leaning over my shoulder joining in the conversation. We were sharing the things we were thankful for, and it took me a really really long time to share what I was thankful for because I knew what I would have shared if life hadn't shifted this way.
My list of thanks is large. My family is beautiful. Each of them is uniquely different from one another, yet share so many things in common (like our taste in jokes - ugh). I'm incredibly thankful for Megan, my sweet roommate. Her constant support for me over the past month has been over and above the call of duty for her. I'm over the moon thankful for my church. I am thankful for the friendships I have due to meeting people there, and for the teaching I hear each week. My Vancouver life would be a lot different if I didn't go there. I'm thankful for my home. My third Vancouver home is the first one which I have no desire to leave. I'm thankful for my job. I love getting to hang out with my kids twice a week, and watch them slowly grow up. School isn't exactly on my list of thankfulness, but I am thankful for the doors that potentially will be opened due to me being obedient in going back to school.
I only edited out a bit of this. Took out some anger, and filled in some love.
I'm really liking this song lately. Here's another version. I think I like the second version better.
I never meant to wither. I wanted to be tall.
Wipe the mark of sadness from my face.
Show me that your love will never change.
If my yesterday is a disgrace.
Tell me that you still recall my name.
And I wont fight for anyone until you move my hands.
My trust and hope is in the Lord. His love is endless, and He has a plan for my life that is beautiful. Beautiful not because it is what I desire. Beautiful because it will bring glory to His name. Beautiful because it helps me to more and more seek first the kingdom.
