a familiar picture

I wasn’t sure if I was going to share this, but I've had a few friends let me know that what I shared on Tuesday resonated with them. I wrote (most of) this on Christmas Day.

I had a moment of "aaaaaahhh" on Christmas Eve. 

The festivities of the day were already done. I'd finished playing the church service, had been to my sister's place with the family, and had already spent an hour in the backseat of my parents car driving to my hometown to stay the week.

I carried my bags down to my old room. 

As I walked in, I noticed a familiar picture on the floor. It must have fallen from its place on the wall.

The photo was from when I was 16. Christmas Eve. A picture of my sister and I in matching pj's. 




I remember the hug the picture depicts. It was a sweet moment and is an engraved memory. 

The aforementioned "aaaaahh" moment came as I looked at the photo, as I stared closely at myself. 

Age 16. I was so insecure. To be realistic, I'm pretty much just as insecure now except maybe I hide it better now. 

I was insecure. I felt as though I had no friends and high school was what high school is: tough. 

But dang. I was beautiful. 

At the time I would have disagreed. I would have felt similar to how I do now; inadequate at what the worlds calls beauty. Too big. Too much. Not pretty. 

Yet as I looked at the photo, as I saw a beauty in myself that I’d never seen before, I started to realize that maybe, JUST maybe. Maybe the girl I see nowadays is just as pretty as the girl of 16. 

A friend recently told me I looked like a very specific cat that she thinks is beautiful. Since I don't think cats are pretty, I got hurt by her words. She meant her words with sincere kindness, but my mind couldn't hear her kindness. I think this example sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.

People compliment me and I disagree. I disagree and I shake my head, and I dishonour the person sharing their words. I shared about this type of dishonour earlier this week.

This whole exchange in my mind, which lasted all of 30 seconds, made me question my own logic of determining my beauty. 

I wonder if I might not be the only female with some improper logic.

Over drinks with a couple close friends last week, we laughingly concluded that I’m the Ted Mosby of our group. Hopeless romantic, believes in love completely, tells super long stories, never seems to get it right. My friend Christa looked at me, knowingly, and said, he’s the main guy of the show. You’re the one with the show! She knew I’d focus on the bad instead of celebrating that he’s at least interesting enough to get a show. As we laughed, I decided in the moment to just take it. To not think of the bad characteristics but to be grateful for the good ones. I might not tell a short story, but I do tell good stories. I tend not to miss any details! teeheehee.

I wonder what would happen if I, and you, and all of us, if we decided to simply agree. To humble our pride if it gets in the way, and to stomp on our fear when it shows up, and simply smile at our friends when they tell us something kind. Not the smile I tend to give, the awkward I’m uncomfortable smile but the I have value smile. 

Seems like a decent idea to consider, especially since we're reflections of our Creator.

A hard question

I was deep into a conversation with my roommate. I had been reading aloud from her French bible to practice. Reading my favourite verses in French and then sharing why I loved them in English.

I'm so excited to have a French roommate. She is lovely and kind and it's so fun to be learning bits of French. One of my long term life goals is fluency so she's perfect to get me on my way!

I was grabbing some water from the sink when she told me I was wonderful. 

I disputed her. I shook my head, and smiled my I'm uncomfortable smirk.

I sat on the floor with my glass of water and expected the conversation to continue as it had been: French filled and lovely.

She said, "Can I ask you a hard question"?

I frowned, as I tend to do when I recognize where a conversation is heading and nodded. 

Side note, does anybody else do this? I’ve realized this after having multiple roommates who are excellent at speaking truth. My tendency is to frown, raise my voice (something I generally don’t like to do) and say I know when someone I love is speaking hard truth to me.

In her beautiful French way, she asked, “Why do you do that? Lower what I say? It is because you want me to dispute you or do you not believe me?"

I thought about it, unsure, slowly answered and we chatted about this for a while. When I say we, I mean she said deep and hard and strong, and the good kind of painful truth to me. 

I shared that compliments are hard for me to receive. Oh really Nadine? No duh. 

An hour prior, I had been pondering how I want to stop disputing complements and simply take and receive them. Apparently I’d forgotten my own resolve by the time she complimented me.

Back in December, someone told me that when I dispute the things my friends say to me, I'm calling the other speaker a liar. I'm telling them that their words don't have value.

My roommate spoke about how I am a reflection of Christ. 

How the goodness in me is a reflection of Him. Why dispute that?

Sometimes I want to tie up my writings with pretty bows, bows called "I have learnt this and can move on". Yet that seems silly since I rarely move past things. I might learn something today that tomorrow will be deepened, the day after lessened, and the day after deepened again. And then soon probably lessened because I tend to take a billion days to learn a lesson.

So this has no bow. I still dispute. It's natural. It's my tendency. But I want to believe that the words people at have truth. And I don’t think something being natural means right. I believe that I need to change this natural tendency. I believe it is not healthy. I know that even if I forget more often than remember, I do have value.

What about you? Do you agree when somebody compliments you? Why don’t we just take them as truth? Why don’t I? Do you? How do you do it without stroking your ego? These are my genuine questions.