But if You Will

As I mentioned the other day, I just finished reading Be Quiet & Say Something by Jessi Connolly.

There was one point as I read it where my eyes filled with more tears than at any other part in the book because I was reading what I believe.

Jessi wrote this portion describing a season when her still-in-womb baby was potentially very sick.

“And I’d lay on the couch with my hands open and weep. Do Your will, Lord. Have Your way. But if You will, give us our daughter.” (Be Quiet & Say Something, Jessi Connolly)

This is the prayer that Jesus calls us to pray.

We’re called to pray for His glory, for His will, and for His joy in everything.

That doesn’t mean we don’t pray what we desire.

It means we’re so well acquainted with Jesus by knowing the scriptures, praying, community, and more, that we can pray DO YOUR WILL  and finish that with this is what I need you to do Jesus.

As I read that part, I raised by head and said to Jesus

Lord, that’s my cry. That’s my call. That’s my prayer.

I want Your will in everything. I want Your glory. I need You to do what You will because that is what is best.

And I’ve got all sorts of desires.

So I give them to Jesus all the time. I name them off to Him. I give specifics. I tell Him how much I desire the things I feel He has put on my heart and I start and end every prayer (whether I actually utter it in the moment or not – it’s my hearts cry) the same way Jessi does in her book.

 Do Your will, Lord, Have Your way. But if You will . . . here is my desire.

            Pray then like this:

            “Our Father in heaven,

            hallowed be your name.

            Your kingdom come,

            your will be done,

            on earth as it is in heaven."

(Matthew 6:9-10 ESV)

Comfortably Envious

Back in July I read that Jessi Connolly had written Be Quiet & Say Something. I quickly hopped over, paid the money, and didn’t read it.

I’m excellent at getting excited and then forgetting. So excellent that if I hadn’t just heard a sermon series at church on spiritual gifts, I might think my forgetful excitement was a spiritual gift. I kid.

Recently I sat down and read through the story. 

It was a story that brought me to tears, frustrated my sinful heart, encouraged my sanctified and saved heart, motivated me to stop looking daily at my stats (as if looking at them will change anything anyways), and ultimately reminded me of things I already knew but had for some reason let flee from my mind.

One thing she highlighted in the book was something that Jesus has been telling me for weeks.

“When we look to the right or the left at the grace given to others long fully or pridefully, we can miss the beauty of influence.” (Be Quiet & Say Something, Jessi Connolly)

As a blogger it's easy to look around and question what I'm doing. I can read blogs that have thousands of readers and find myself in a jealous and envious stream of thoughts. I can get angry at those bloggers because I don't see why God lets them have their sphere of influence.

Or I can go to Jesus and say here I am, sinful and small - use me for Your goals because I know that then You will receive glory in the process. 

Jesus has been calling me out on envy and jealousy for weeks, and if I’m truly honest, months and years.

I went through Galatians with the #SheReadsTruth crew a few weeks ago. There was one day that punched me in the gut.

 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these.

(Galatians 5:19-21a ESV)

I read that portion and could check off the things that I don’t struggle with currently. I've done this before and written about being skewed while reading scripture (as in reading only what I want to read in scripture).

I got to jealousy and casually stepped over it, ignoring the word.

Strife, not me, yay me! . . . jealousy  . . . oh fits of anger, well sometimes but not too often . . .

I kept going until I hit envy.

Oh Jesus, you wrote it there twice for me didn’t you?

How do I stop being jealous?

By being satisfied in Christ.

So I’m working on it. Failing mostly but attempting to go to Jesus for satisfaction and letting go of control.

I have so many desires for where I want my life to go.

But more so I desire Christ.

Oh Jesus, get glory in my life.

Forgive my jealous and envious heart.