As I was writing yesterday’s post, I looked at Hebrews 12 for a few minutes. As I scanned it quickly, one verse stuck out to me.
"Think of all the hostility Jesus endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.” (Hebrews 12:3)
I read it and was encouraged to remain strong in Christ, and also was reminded of something that made me sit up at pay attention.
The majority of the hostility that I endure on a daily basis is self induced.
I’ve certainly gone through seasons where the hostility came from others. There’s a reason I decided to work as a nanny and not have co-workers in my day. I got hurt last year. It's scary to consider a different job than the one I have now, the one where it's simply me and the baby.
But right now? It’s my mind that is hostile. It’s my thoughts. It’s my self mutilating hatred of self.
As I pondered the hostility I put myself through, the questions I ask myself over and over (why can’t you just . . .), the glares I’ve given myself in the mirror, the late nights without sleep as I’ve considered over and over the day behind and the day ahead - I was reminded of something simple.
Self hostility doesn’t have to continue.
And it’s been a lot less lately than nearly any season prior.
I have friends who call me out when they hear me saying things about myself that I should not.
I have a God who brings scripture to mind when I feel overwhelmed and under qualified.
I’ve been asking God to help me believe that He loves me. Knowing He loves me is doing odd things to my self-loathing, as in it’s slowly discontinuing it. It's that darn grace of His. Grace changes us..
Hebrews 12 ends with some solid truth:
Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire (verses 28-29).
The love of God is valuable because God is a consuming fire. His kingdom cannot be shaken. He is worthy of all worship. Wow.
His love makes me want to love myself.
That’s what true love looks like I think. When we know that we are fully accepted by someone, we start to fully accept ourselves.
I’ve never been in love, but I think I might be on to something.
Monday was a long day.
It wasn’t a bad day in any way, but it was long. I had such a good weekend in the sense that it appealed to my extrovert self. I saw a lot of people and had a good amount of good conversations. Read: very little rest this past weekend.
Sunday ended late in a truly enjoyable fashion and since I’d been up since 530, Monday’s alarm felt oh so early.
I worked all day, hung out with a friend, went to a ministry thing at church, and finally made it home just in time to go to bed. I started chatting with my roommate. She was having a hard day so we talked about the things going on in her heart, and we talked about the things going on in my heart.
We sat holding hands at the kitchen table and prayed over one another, asking Jesus to intervene in the various areas we desperately needed Him to work in.
We kept chatting as we each slowly got ready for bed. She asked if she could read my Jesus Calling devotional from the day. She read it aloud to me as I brushed my teeth. It was a sweet moment listening to truth to end the day.
Then she read another day because we both just needed to hear a little bit more from Jesus.
The words were poignant and true and necessary. Words to remember that God is with us, that He is for us, that we aren’t in control. My gosh Lord, it’s like You know all of our needs and satisfy them with Yourself.
Our conversation kept going as we talked about the darn emotions that capture us so much of the time.
I had this moment though, amidst our conversation where I just felt like God reminded me of truth.
I looked at Alex and said something akin to:
I have to trust that the way God made me, this way that I love people so quickly, and thus get hurt so often, that He made me this way on purpose. He made me this girl who feels deeply and who is affected by the things around her. He put my emotional soul together exactly the way it is meant to be.
I don’t get to sin in that truth but there is freedom there. Freedom to receive His grace as I accept the person He made me to be.
The Lord loves the way that I process. It isn’t foreign to Him. It isn’t complicated. He made the way that I process.
He is not surprised that my instinct is to fall before I look. He is not surprised that I feel before I grab. These aren’t complications that He is frustrated with.
When I sin in these things, like when I make decisions without prayer, or when I am unwilling to trust His timing, I have to repent. These natural tendencies aren’t allowances. Grace however is allowed. Grace is overflowing because God made me this way.
I’ll take that type of grace. I know no other kind.
