I've been working as a nanny for a few weeks now. Much of my days now include feeding, cleaning, diaper changing, and a nap time schedule.
My favourite part of the day falls in the moments right before her nap. The babe I nanny has a set little nap time routine that we go through before each nap. We walk through the apartment, saying goodnight to the lights and the blinds, the sink and the cat. I sing a song, and then I pray.
For some reason, one I'd like to call a spiritual battle type of reason, prayer has been hard for me the past few months. Once in a while I've felt the way I used to feel during prayer (freedom), but often I feel like I'm pulling teeth. My own teeth. Ouch.
I still do it because I know it's necessary and because I believe that someday the hardness of it will end.
Something being hard isn't reason not to do it, specifically something we're commanded to do.
Pray without ceasing.
This moment of prayer, in a dark room, holding this little babe, has become a sweet refuge for my heart. I've always been able to pray best when I'm alone anyway, so maybe that's why since I know she doesn't understand the words I'm sharing to our Lord and Saviour. Maybe it's the holding her and knowing that even if she never remembers these moments, it's a good thing to do - to model prayer to her. Maybe it's the darkness, that I can't see much, that I have to pray softly.
Whatever it is, these prayer are intimate. They're honest. They're me and Jesus and this baby and it's a sweet time.
So often in life, my prayers are lists. Asking God for things, seeking Him for my issues, and for the issues I see around me. But just before nap time, that's when I simply pray to Him. I'm at my most repentant, at my most ready to hear from Him.
I lay her in her bed, say goodnight, and meander out of the room. It's a small apartment so the lights have to stay out and I can't make any noise during her nap, so it's a good time to come over here and write.
A goal that I have for November which I forgot to share when I shared my goals for the month is this:
More passion.
I've found myself feeling dull. Feeling quick to say no to fun plans and yes to burdensome things.
A few weeks ago, I felt like I lost my mind. I didn't and that's an exaggeration of sorts, but I just came to this moment where I was so overwhelmed by all the things in front of me that I couldn't cope. I went home and got honest with myself about my limitations.
I wasn't being wise with my time. I wasn't stewarding it, wasn't respecting it, wasn't letting it be used well.
That moment of truth happened to be during my month of "quiet".
In my mind I feel like I've shared much about that quiet month but in actuality I haven't shared much. I've written much about it, in my journals and all over evernote, but here - it's harder to share about something when you're not sure if you were a success or a failure.
I had sweet intentions with quiet. Intentions of quiet nature really. But instead I just filled my time more and more and more. And when I had quiet, I wasted it watching tv shows and in other mindless ways.
More passion.
In our mastermind group, the Sunday before the week I lost my mind, I shared how I wanted more passion. How I was tired of this numbing business, this endless tired.
So November is for far more passion.
I'm scaring myself with the things I say no to. I'm saying no to opportunities that seem actually incredible because while they sound excellent, they're not well timed.
As in somebody offered me an incredible job that would fill every evening of my life until January. An incredible job. Like I could write a lot of paragraphs about why it would be a dream job. I had to say no because I want to be a good human who has time to love God first and also love people super well.
I'll never steward well the things I'm doing now if I keep adding more and more things to my to do list. It will topple.
I'm not turning down every opportunity that comes my way, but I'm being a little more hesitant with my yes.
In fact, lately, I've decided that my to do is to do less. I'll share more about that another day, but it's been helpful to remember that. That doing less is better than more.
My yes list is good right now. It's life giving and fruitful and good. My no list is difficult. No is a hard mentality for me to live out. No is also a sweet learning curve to get through - getting over my yes girl lifestyle.
I'm saying yes to bowling, to drives to get coffee in America instead of here in Canada, yes to going to documentary screenings and pie for dinner. Yes to waiting in line forever for breakfast. Yes to books and selfies and silly faces for days.
Busy and tired are inevitable. Passion is not. I'm seeking out passion.
It's a goal that only I can measure. And so well it's measuring itself out well.
The idea of more passion is something I want to speak of more often.
Expect to hear how life is being lived out with more passion.
What do you do to live a passionate life? What do you say yes to, and what's hard to say no to?
Months ago, a friend showed me a preview of anther friends blog. It was beautiful. I knew the code to get in so every once in a while I would pop over to look at it getting done because I just thought it was so beautiful.
Around that same time, I started considering a new blog design. Started looking at colours, and really started mulling over a tag line. I knew I was ready for a secondary heartbeat to be finished, and for nadinewouldsay to be the name. But a tag line. That's what I wanted. Something that made it more than just nadinewouldsay and that showed my purpose.
One day, I came up with it. I wrote it down, and stored it in my heart. I thought about in constantly, so grateful I'd finally put in a sentence what my heart was.
Another day, I popped back over to that site I mentioned earlier. To my horror, I saw my tag line there.
I had no idea if I had seen it there and thus been inspired, or if I'd been inspired elsewhere and her line happened to be the same.
I felt hurt.
Not by her or anybody. But I was sad.
I hadn't set out to steal something but I knew that if I used the tag line I would be stealing.
I know in my heart that coming up with that line wasn't sinful. It wasn't wrong or bad or hurtful or ill intentioned. But if I ever put it up anywhere online, it would be sinful. It would be hurtful and unkind.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
As a lover of Jesus, the God OF the universe, the Creator of ALL things, I can trust that He'll give me a different line for this space. It might take me a while (because that one was SO good and said exactly what I wanted to say), but it'll come.
My job is to create NEW things, inspired by the One who makes all things new.
Kim of oh, sweet joy! wrote some good
words on a similar topic. Before I'd even read Kim's post, I had
already been mulling through similar thoughts myself. Her words are
worth a read.
She shared of being on the opposite side of where I am. As somebody who had created something and had is stolen. Reading her words confirmed to my heart that I needed to honour God and this friend's tagline by not using it for myself. I had already decided that I wouldn't use it, but now I knew I couldn't use it.
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17
Blogging is only honouring to God if I do it FOR HIM. I give Him thanks for this online space, I give Him all the glory, honour, and praise. And I trust that He's going to give me a new tag line.
Update: Because I have curious and gracious friends, I'd already received a text before 6am asking about this, a friend kindly sharing sympathy that I'd not been able to have this line. I wanted to share here what I shared with her, because what I shared with her is the point of sharing this story. I'm not sharing this story to gain sympathy. I'm sharing it to point out that sometimes we're given option to sin, to steal, to take - but that we don't have to. We can choose a better path. We can follow our Lord Jesus who chose to humble Himself from God to man. If Jesus can do that, then I can easily give up a tagline.
My friend had just said that she was sorry for me.
No it's okay. I wrote the piece last week but I feel like I came to terms with that ages ago. I just felt like people needed to hear that we can't use the things that aren't ours if they aren't ours first. And that we have to trust God will give us new things.
Mid day I got the text suggesting pie.
It made perfect sense. Why wouldn't we go for pie?
I drove to where Tami was after work and then we went to get pie.
As we walked up to the pie shoppe, I got nervous because the doors were closing but the girl working smiled and let us in. She was funny. She told us what she had to offer (and quickly unoffered the gluten free pie - maybe somebody else needed it), we choose our pie and went on our way.
Since my current space is a bit cramped for much company, we went to hers.
I was hoping we'd end up there. Her space is so beautiful. It's always beautiful.
We made tea, ate pie, watched a movie, chatted, played with her dogs, and I was home before 9.
It was delightful.
I love friends where it's easy peasy. Where the conversation can get deep if it needs to and stay light if it wants to go that way instead. No pretense friendships.
The friends who know that two pies is better than one because that way you can share and try more variety. Not every friend is a sharing friend, which is fine. I just like the sharing friends more.
Friends who grab you slippers and cover you in blankets. The ones who let their dogs slobber on your face and say things like "You're an auntie everywhere you go. To all the kids. Now to all the dogs".
Friends who would let you stay forever if you needed to stay but who would tell you to leave if they needed you to leave.
I like those type of friends.
Tami is one of those.
