Prove It

To be known by God is incredible.

It’s incredibly terrifying because it means He knows all of my thoughts, sinful as they typically are.

It’s also the most comforting thing ever because His love is greater than all else.

            O LORD, you have searched me and known me!

            You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

                        you discern my thoughts from afar.

            You search out my path and my lying down

                        and are acquainted with all my ways.

            Even before a word is on my tongue,

                        behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.

            You hem me in, behind and before,

                        and lay your hand upon me.

            Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

                        it is high; I cannot attain it.

            Where shall I go from your Spirit?

                        Or where shall I flee from your presence?

(Psalm 139:1-7 ESV)


Yesterday, I made a decision for which I'm paying for and will for a while pay the consequenceces.

But God is bigger.
Jesus is all I can cling to right now. 
The fact that He knows me and loves me, through my deep sin, is overwhelming.

Yesterday as I lay on the floor with a solid ugly cry face on, calling out to Jesus to provide refuge, I realized another reason why grace is so incredible.

Because I don't deserve it.



And I can prove it.

Just take a minute to walk a day with me.
Maybe I'd make it a minute, but spend an hour, a day, a week, a month. 
My sin will show up.
Cause my sin is vast.
His grace is bigger.

The grace of Jesus is SO much bigger than I ever knew.

Far too often I think I kind of deserve it, since I love Jesus so much.
But my (small, inadequate, and simple) love isn't enough to gain salvation.
Jesus is enough.

  

I'm so grateful for this grace I can't comprehend.
Yet lately I'm also feeling like I need to say sorry to Jesus all the time.



 My inadequacy and sin doesn't stop His grace.



I am fully known and fully loved.

Woah.

I am blown away.       

Does anybody else ever read scripture and feel inadequate and yet completely cared for at the same time? Oh man. I sure do.

Revisited Pages

A while ago I wrote about pages.


I wrote these words:

Sometimes I stress about things and God says, “why are you worrying about that - just wait a couple pages. I’ve got your whole book up here”.

I live a life of pages. God's font, writing, and spacing.

I was driving to Portland with Bethany a few weeks back, we talked about a lot of things. 

 

It was pretty much the drive of theology followed by a couple days of more theology.

 

I don't think I've ever talked theology as much, in as great of detail, and with such a raised voice before. 

 

 

 

We disputed - we disagreed - we fought - we encouraged - we agreed - we agreed to disagree - we would take breaks to get fuel (aka scripture to back the things we were unsure of yet confidently stating) - we would take breaks to calm down - we could continue - we had a lot of fun.

 

 

 

I'm not a disputer. I don't like conflict. I love talking about Jesus but I don't like fighting over the specifics. God however, is challenging me to speak up about what I believe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He doesn't let me sit in silence.

 

     “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.
    “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”
(John 14:15-21 ESV)

 

On the drive down to Portland, as I drove I asked Beth to be my scribe whenever I had ideas for things to write here. Often I'll get an idea so I'll grab my phone and email it to myself. That's a lot harder to do that on a six hour drive when your phone is turned off. 

One of the things I got her to write down was "not for me to know (pages)" because as we talked amidst our drive, I could feel God speaking to my heart.

Hey Nadine, why are you still so concerned with those things?

Hey Nadine, remember how you don't have eyes that have spanned time, both today, tomorrow, yesterday, forever forward and forever ago? Oh, you don't remember - okay well remember that now okay.

Hey Nadine, just rest in Me.

Remember Nadine, I've got the whole book up here. Let yourself rest in the page I've placed you.

 

. . . the page I placed you.

 

Rest in me.

 

 

So as a reminder to myself, I'm writing these words down that I wrote in my journal the day after Beth transcribed for me.

 

Because while I might feel dry and I might feel as though I'm in a battle, I want to fight well and survive off the water I know is living - which is that of Christ.

It's not for me to know:

- what page I'm on

- if I'm at the beginning, end, or middle of a chapter

-when it all ends

- who all the characters are and what their role is (both long-term and short-term)

I might like to know all things, but I can't because I am not God.

I might like to know where I stand and how long I have to wait for the things I desire, but I can't because I am not God.

I might like to decide what will occur in the future, but I can't because I am not God.

    Then Moses said to God, “If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?” God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘The LORD, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations.
(Exodus 3:13-15 ESV)

I think I am starting to get the picture.

God is the I AM.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.
   
(John 14:1-3 ESV)

That brings peace even to my own currently restless and uncertain heart.

 

 

 

I may be unsure as to the things He is doing and their purpose in my life but I do not doubt who He is and that He is working for His glory.

Even when I lie in deep doubt and have giant tears flowing as I cry to Him, I never ever want Him to stop receiving glory.

I cry out for understanding.

 

He brings comfort to all who call upon His name.

    “These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. You heard me say to you, ‘I am going away, and I will come to you.’ If you loved me, you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. And now I have told you before it takes place, so that when it does take place you may believe.
(John 14:25-29 ESV)

Dipping into Darkness

One of the most fun days of my summer included a day at the not so local water park. I was there with the youth I worked with and had a blast.

The park had introduced three new slides since I had last been there. One was open air, one was half closed and half open air, and the third was fully closed. All were ridden on tubes.

The youth I was with had all immediately braved the darkest black hole.

Being the fearful girl I am, I started with the open air one with no intention of doing a scarier option, but being open to the idea if I decided it would be okay.

The first ride was good.

It was fine. I could see what was happening. I laughed pretty much the whole way down. 

Well, except for when it got too fast so I tried to slow myself down - which is hard on a tube ride.

See, I'm brave in the sense that I'll try a lot of things, but I take my time to get there.

I can't remember if it was right after, or later in the day, but one of the youth convinced me to try the next one. This time the first half is in darkness and then the second half is akin to the first ride.

I grabbed my tube, climbed the stairs, waited in line, sat down, and entered the darkness.

Would you like to know what I did?

I prayed.

The entire time.

Oh Jesus, I love You and I'm so scared and OH MY GOODNESS JESUS I'M SO SCARED AND I LOVE YOU and if this is how I die that's okay . . . or something similar.

As I entered the second half of the ride, my heart rate went down a bit, and I realized that I had sort of had some fun!

So later in the day, I got brave.

I went on the fully pitch black ride.

This time I was still scared, but instead of the panic prayer of before I think I sang a worship song or something. I needed Jesus to know that if this was how I died - in this black plummeting hole, He was my final thought and praise.

Long story short. I let myself dip into the darkness.

Step by step, ride by ride, hour by hour, I got bolder and less scared.

Suddenly I would go on any of them, and I would race the youth down.

Fears were gone and I was confident on any of them. I didn't hesitate. I wasn't stopping to consider the safety of the ride. 

I was simply going after what looked fun.

Isn't that just like, or at least, kind like sin?

It was part-way through one of my trips down the ride when Jesus asked my heart if I was dipping into sin in any areas of my life, not really noticing because of the gradual and slow shift.

So often I'll vehemently oppose a certain sin.

Like for example: Telling lies is wrong.

So I won't tell lies.

But then I might jokingly tell a lie.

And then I might joke again.

Or a little white lie will pop up.

Then another.

Suddenly I'll tell a bigger lie.

And I'm caught up (reference this video - just kidding. Well, you can, you should really, because it's a classic - but it has nothing to do with this post except that often when I say or write caught up I start head bobbing like Usher in the video).

Desperately needing redemption and grace but also literally spiraling down a tube ride in darkness with no way out but the light at the end.

What or who is that light?

Scripture illuminates truth because scripture is truth. I can know what is correct and what is incorrect by paying careful attention to the words of Jesus.

    Your word is a lamp to my feet
        and a light to my path.
(Psalm 119:105 ESV)

Jesus is the light.

    The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.
. . .   And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.
. . .  Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
(John 1:9, 3:19, 8:23 ESV)

And I'm called to live out that light.

    “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
  (Matthew 5:14-16 ESV)

  . . . for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light
(Ephesians 5:8 ESV)

He always is available.

He always offers grace.

    But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
 (Ephesians 2:4-10 ESV)

 Endless grace for those who call upon the name of Jesus.

    For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.
   (John 1:16 ESV)

He is good. 

    Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
    I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord;
        I have no good apart from you.”
   (Psalm 16:1-2 ESV)

Another part of what Jesus told me on a trip in the black hole sounded a bit like this:

    What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops.
(Matthew 10:27 ESV)

I'm speaking to you Nadine. I'm telling you words of truth. You need to share them.

I still don't know why God uses me. 

His goodness and grace keep appearing (despite my lack of deserving His grace) and He keeps whispering truths to my soul.

I want to be faithful to His call, whatever that might be.