nadinewouldsay

Around my blog, things are simple. Things aren't complicated. I try to be as authentic as possible, stretching myself to be vulnerable, generous, wise, and funny.  

EVERYBODY at influence told me that I'm funny. Sometimes when I wasn't trying to be funny. I also got called a dork a lot. Welcome to Nadine.


I'm the girl who sits on her bed at night and asks God to explain what a gospel approach to having a crush on a boy looks like. If you don't believe me, you should have been a fly on my wall last Monday.

That's me.

I'm the girl who had a friend over a couple weeks ago for the first time in a while (the friend, not having somebody over - that's all the time) and she laughed at me because of how much of a verbal processor I am.

More or less she said this to me: So basically you've run this thing you're thinking through through like a thousand people. And we've all said the same thing.

My answer was akin to, not a thousand, just like six.

But that's me. Constantly running my ideas by a thousand or so people, just to be sure that I'm not an idiot. One thing I learned at influence is that maybe it's time to learn how to make some of my own decisions.


So when you pop by this space, expect that girl.

Don't show up expecting perfection or a thousand tips to better your life. I love writing and love sharing, and hope to inspire and encourage, but more so I hope to point out that it's a whole lot easier resting at the feet of Jesus than it is attempting to carry my own burdens.

My most important rule that I have for my blog is grace.

Grace to make mistakes, to miss days, grace to write about the good and bad. Grace to share pretty pictures and the pictures that are a bit messy.

Because that makes life a whole lot easier, and blogging a whole lot more fun.

Pop back tomorrow to hear a little bit about the influence conference, and to hear something that might surprise you. That is, unless I wimp out and change my mind.

If you want to take a look at my weekend in Indianapolis, pop over to my instagram to see approximately a zillion photos from the weekend.

It's okay to be all over the place.

I wrote these words a season ago. Some days they're relevant to me and some days they are not. Maybe they'll be relevant to you today.

Sometimes you sit down at your computer, after a long day. It wasn't a bad day by any stretch of the matter, but it was a long one.

You determine in yourself to finally sit down to write the post that is on your heart.

You sit down. You log in. You start typing.

You're a paragraph in and you realize you haven't shared the story you meant to share.

You hit the delete button and start again.

You write some eloquent pretty words but yet again find yourself tapping the delete button numerous times.

This pattern continues, and your typing seems to match the emotions you've been experiencing in your non screen time life.

You find yourself sharing a happy tale, one where things are bright and cheery.
You find yourself sharing a dark tale, where the words are heavy and the tone is bleak.
You find yourself sharing a realistic tale, the kind where the optimist and pessimist reach a happy medium of a cup that is not full or empty, but is simply shifting.

You let yourself take a break from the stories and just lie on your back on your floor, letting tears flow.

You let yourself take a break from the stories and tell the kind of joke that leaves your own side in stitches.

You realize that all of the things aren't matching up.

But you hit the publish button anyway, because maybe somebody needs to know that it's okay to be kind of all over the place.

she needed to break

He spoke softly to her, because he noticed that she was so close to tears.

He paid careful attention to the details of her heart, to the words that were unspoken, and to the laughter she used to hide behind.

He knew that if he spoke too loud, she would break. He knew that if he used emphasis on the wrong words, she would break. He knew that she needed to break.

But he didn't want her to break the wrong way. He wanted her to break while she was in his arms, and in moment when she knew that she was in his arms. He didn't want her to feel all alone.

He stayed near. Consistently. He was near at all times, and she found deep comfort in him.

He listened. He knew that his words were valuable to her, but he patiently listened. Because he listened for so long, she eventually slowed her words and listened to him.

Finally he spoke. He spoke of his love for her and for her heart. He spoke of how he had never been far from her. He spoke of millions of years in the past, how even then he had been near.

So she stood.

She broke. She fell into his arms, finally let her eyes open, and let the tears fall. He held her close, never letting her go.

He took off the shame that had clung to her.
He took off her fear because she had no need for it anymore.

She was free.

He is Christ.
And she is me.

big drops lightly tapped the pavement

I found myself near the seawall. I went down to it, and started the walk.

I knew my heart was feeling a little bit fragile, a lot bit encouraged, a tiny bit discouraged, filled with fear, filled with anticipation, filled with uncertainty, filled with hope.

My heart was feeling pretty full. Too full for my liking.

I walked and I talked quietly to Jesus. I held my phone up to my ear for a second to pretend that I was on my phone, and decided I'd rather just look crazy.

I walked and I talked and the rain started to fall.

Normally I hate rain. Actually always I hate rain. Well, not always. But if I have to be in the rain, I hate the rain.



The rain didn't bother me.

Big drops lightly tapped the pavement.

The rain drops created a quiet symphony.


I walked a little bit quicker, unsure if the rain would suddenly downpour.


I stopped to take a picture of a boat. It seemed so picturesque yet also unattractive.

I continued my walk and came across beautiful flowers. I slowed my pace to stop and just really look at the detail in each individual flower.

I was reminded of the verse that speaks of considering the lilies of the field, how they're clothed even better than Solomon (who apparently was clothed VERY well), and how God cares more for us.

I felt my heavy weighted heart lighten just a little bit.

I walked away from the flowers and made my way along the seawall.

I stopped soon again to capture an interesting looking patch of land.

I kept walking for a while, pausing when I had a good view to continue my reflections.

Jesus why did I have to lose my job?
Jesus why did my roommate have to move?
Jesus why do I have to move?
Jesus why do the dreams I have for my life never seem to come true?
Jesus what do I do now?

I continued my walk, stopping again quickly to capture a beautiful set of yellow flowers.

An interesting (read:sketchy) man made a comment to me as the flowers happened to be right in front of him. I just smiled at him like I do whenever I feel uncomfortable.

I kept on walking.

Pausing for pretty flowers.
Letting go of my questions and simply letting my heart hope.

I sat on a bench and faced the water for a while.
I stopped thinking and reflecting for a while, and just rested.
Not from a physical tiredness, but a soul tiredness.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.
He is near to all who are weary.
He loves the tired.
He holds the fragile.
He understands the sad.

for whatever reason

Approximately ten times or so, I've opened a draft to write a post like this one. I always get scared though, for whatever reason, and end up deleting my words and deciding that this isn't worth sharing. That it's unimportant, that it's silly, and that it won't resonate.

So today I'm buckling up my big girl belt, leaning down to type the words, and getting over my silly fears that one blog post will ruin my life.

It's actually pretty silly that this one is the one that scares me since it's actually kinda fun.

I wanted to take a minute to say thank you to all the people who stop in here. I really can't explain how encouraged I am by the comments, by the emails, and by the precious prayer requests that you all hand me.

Sometimes it's overwhelming for me when you come to me with big things, especially when they're so much bigger than me. Yet I serve the Jesus who came to deal with the big things, so yay, we're all in good hands.

I think my fear in not wanting to post this, is that sometimes I feel funny about the word "blog" and being a "blogger" because it's not something that people in my life do. It's my online thing, and it's very separate from my offline life. I don't necessarily mind the separation, but it's odd for me to acknowledge my blog in real life - which somehow translates it hard for me to write about my blog on my blog.

It's been just about a year since I started taking blogging seriously (and I know this because I got my bill for the domain this week), if that's what you cal what I do now, and it's been such a fruitful year for me. It's been one wrought with life struggles, hurts, and pains, but also filled to the brim with joy, big laughter, and much much much peace.

I blogged for years before I became serious, but this year has caused me to write with dedication. Writing here has brought healing to my lack of devotional life because now I have to look to Jesus. I wrote this over on Moriah's blog on Monday, but it kind of bears repeating:

I blog because it requires me to be disciplined. Not only in writing each day, but also to consistently be filling myself up with truth. If my desire is to point to Jesus in my writing, I have to be going to Jesus all the time in my everyday life. I love that my blog forces me to do just that.

A recent commenter told me that I have a blog that is sharing truth and life. She commented on my honesty, and I wrote this in reply to her:

It's sometimes scary to be this honest in such an open space (the internet), yet when I'm honest, it always resonates with others. We've all sinned and fallen short - that is the Gospel we believe, and we're freed in Jesus - the best part of the Gospel - so for me to act like I don't have a past is just silly.

Then, on Wednesday night at community group, a friend also commented on how I have an authentic vulnerability that shines through in everything I do.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, since I'm not usually trying to be authentic (I guess I just am), but it was cool to hear that in both my online and offline life.

Anyway, awkward blog post aside, I'm truly grateful to have this space. I find it encouraging for my soul to write here because writing brings my heart to a place of worship.

Do you have a blog? Sometimes I get bummed when people comment but don't leave any way for me to contact them (outside of email which is okay too), so if you are a regular (funny word for a blog) around here, leave me a little note today sharing where you're coming from. I'd love to pop over to wherever you call home on the internet, and if you are one of my non-internet readers, well hi there too - please comment (it'll make me smile).

YAY! Okay awkward post finished!

best friends are to sunny days

I interrupt your Monday in hopes that you are doing well, and finding joy in whatever kind of day you find yourself facing.

I shared a couple weeks ago that I've tentatively been raising my hand asking Jesus for more suffering, knowing that suffering leads to hope.

Well, He has been faithful in answering my prayer. While my feet have felt a little unsteady amidst the season I'm walking, I also have noticed that my trust in God isn't wavering. This isn't because I'm super great at trusting God. It's that He's been sifting my heart of control.

I met up with my mentor on Saturday and just talked about the word trust. It's one she really challenged me on during this past year because she knew I was claiming that I trusted God yet was also really holding onto control. I told her that I'm so thankful for this past year, and for her challenges, because now when I use the word trust, it holds so much more meaning to my heart.

Last night I went for a walk with my best friend Christy. I got ice cream, she got coffee, we sat and chatted, then we walked and chatted, then we sat on swings and chatted, and then walked and chatted some more. It was a perfect little evening.

She mentioned that my blog seems to be filled with hope lately. That really excited me, because I am filled with hope.

P.S. I'm hanging out over on my very lovely friend Moriah's blog today. Check it out!

{a walk through} psalm 25

( girl behind the blog is at the very bottom. skip down to watch, or take a couple minutes to read my heart )

THIS PSALM! Oh. This one holds so much for me. It was here that I went the week before I met a boy I dated a couple years ago. The same words brought me sweet comfort when the relationship ended. And those same words, well, they're the ones I go do when I'm in my deepest moments of needing Jesus to show up.

Almost any verse in this Psalm is one I could share my heart on. Similar to Psalm 23, this was a hard one to describe, to break down, and to share. Not because I don't like it, but because I need these words so often.

It's not that I'm sad all the time, but I'm rarely out of brokenness, if that makes sense. Because my sin is great. I'm so thankful my God is greater.

I'm so thankful to not be in the head and heart space that I was when that Psalm first was introduced to my heart. I can still go to these words, but the girl that literally sobbed them out on a park bench mere days before being asked out, that same girl who weeks later sobbed them out on her couch, that girl has grown.

Her need for God remains.

In that season, I wrote this piece about God really entering into a moment when I needing rescuing. I'd love if you read it. It's a moment I treasure, a moment when God really impacted me and taught me that He is the deliverer.

Looking at these verses now, it's the very last line that sticks out to me. Maybe it's because at church we're walking through the Easter story focusing on the words Jesus spoke from the cross, and forgiveness is so huge in the story of the cross.

When I call out to God for deliverance, I call out for more than just to be let out of the hard things. I ask Him to forgive me, because I know that nothing good will happen if I hold on to my sinful habits. I need Jesus to enter in, to offer me the same forgiveness that He offered to the thief hanging on the cross next to Him. A thief who, though he knew very little about Jesus, knew enough about Jesus to know that Jesus could forgive him of his wrongdoing. And Jesus, because of His character, His love, His goodness, He said today you will be with me in Paradise.

That same Jesus is the one who saves me from my sin, by offering forgiveness.


P.S. It's Girl Behind the Blog Day!! YAY!

Be sure to watch it (meh, be sure to watch it only if you want to!), pop over to Ashley's blog or Chelsea's Blog and add your own VLOG! It's a great way to meet bloggers.

(the YUMMIEST cookies in the world are found here)

(and if you'd like to read a very funny story about a cooking mishap of mine, well, click here)

Even if my words defeat the purpose

Almost daily when I log onto twitter, the influence network, facebook, and all the other spaces I visit (there actually aren't very many others) I see pleas for prayer.

I see friends, acquaintances, strangers, and the like all asking for one thing. Intervention.

They want intervention in whatever is going on.

Whether it is an intervention of sickness to health, sorrow to joy, jobless to employed, hurt to fixed, alone to surrounded, whatever it is - we seek intervention when we approach God.

When we approach God, we typically come expecting and longing for intervention.

I try to pray whenever I see it. Sometimes I don't, mostly because I'm too busy (which isn't a good excuse, but it is an excuse), but for the most part, I turn my eyes to heaven and whisper to Jesus help.

I used to respond to each one. I'd tweet a little I'm praying for you and I meant it.

But lately I'm trying to not write my words.

Because as much as it brings me comfort to know that people are praying when I ask for it, I don't want to find my comfort in other peoples words. I want to find my comfort in my Saviour Jesus, the One who intervenes on my behalf.

He is the One who allows me to be viewed as pure.

He is the One who bore all the weight of my sin so that I never ever ever ever have to bear that awful weight.

So I'm trying to stop telling people that I'm praying every time.

I still will often, especially when I know that it'll be significant for somebody to know that they're not alone.

I so well know my tendency to seek accolade, praise, and anything that will fuel my pride. I can't dare let my prayers become an idol for myself. When I catch myself replying to things on twitter simply to look like a better Christian, even if I will follow through and pray or do some sort of good deed, my words can't be written.

I really and truly believe that silent prayers impact in ways that spoken ones can never.

I've been trying to retrain my heart (my fear stricken, people pleasing heart) to look to Jesus first before I look to people. Even though I love words, want words, and feel loved by words, no words matter more than those of Jesus.

I don't even know if this is a theologically sound idea, but it seems like one that my heart needs to reconcile itself with.

My words are important but they're actually not that important. The important part is that Jesus Christ was forsaken from God so that I never ever ever EVER have to be, and because of that, I can approach Him with confidence, for my needs, my joys, and yours too.

Speaking of that, what do you need prayer for? Anything I can bring to Jesus with you?

I had a wise pastor tell me once that me that when people give us their burdens, we need to hand them to Jesus immediately, not ever holding them on ourselves, because we're never called to hold burdens.

What are you holding onto tightly that needs to be let go? What burdens have you taken upon yourself instead of dropping them at the feet of Jesus? You're welcome to use the comment section and you are also welcome to email me at asecondaryheartbeat (at) gmail (dot) com.

Whisper

On Saturday, I went to a local coffee shop, opened my computer, and these words came out of my fingertips. It's different than I normally write, especially here on my blog, but I really wanted to share it.   

______________________________________ 

An interesting whisper in the middle of the night.

It echoes out in a way that I can’t quite explain, because it should be so much quieter than it is. It should simply speak and then be quiet. Yet it doesn’t do that.

It speaks and then it echoes, and echoes and echoes and echoes, and I could keep telling that it echoes, but eventually it does end.

Until it starts again.

And again.

And again.

I wish it wasn’t so. I wish it would simply be done and that I could just be done with this echo, with this whisper, with its words, but it simply comes back.

Sometimes this whisper manages to avoid me for a day, or a week, or even months at a time. Though the months on end is a rarity, so rare that I might just be making that idea up to make my soul feel a little bit better about the consistency of the whisper.

Something in me doesn’t hate the echo.

The whisper does house comfort.

It remains longer than anything else has.

Something in me, a larger part, hates that I don’t hate it.

I should desire it to leave me.

I should simply will it away.

But I don’t.

I wonder if a day will arrive when the whisper won’t come.

It has bruised me with hurt.

It has scarred me with pain.

It has utterly ruined me.

. . .

Suddenly I realize that the whisper is not what it seems.

It does not bring comfort. I always thought that it would, or that it was, or that it had.

It does not.

The whisper tells me that I am not enough.

That sudden realization stays with me. It sticks with my heart as I start to speak in a voice loud than the whisper, telling it to be quiet, and reminding it that it is a lie.

I seek a better whisper to listen to.

A whisper that tells me that the body I have been given is the correct one. A body, a soul, a mind, all created in the image of an invisible one. An invisible one that is also fully visible to my soul.

I start to realize this and the initial whisper slowly gets quieter.

As I recognize and realize that the One of whom I speak of, created me, that He formed me in my mother’s womb, and that He ordained all the days of my life – I realize yet another thing.

The whisper is not His voice.

I start to be able to distinguish between this whisper and His voice. His voice is louder. It is kinder. It is stronger. It never bruises yet it fully stretches. It never scars though it does pull me from a place of hurt to a place of wholeness. In a way it does scar me, but in the most beautiful way.

It scars me with love.

The whisper is gone.

The love remains.

A Meetup of Influential Women

First. I am so excited that this is happening today!!!

what? what is happening Nadine? WHAT IS IT?

Well. Let me tell you. It's the best link-up ever! just kidding It's a link-up that I thought up myself and that is happening today through the help of the great, and I'm talking great, ladies who make the Influence Network run.

So anyhooo, back in January I had the idea of a link-up that would connect the various bloggers who make up the Influence Network (and the non-bloggers. I'm not sure how you will link-up, but if you leave a comment either here or on the Influence Blog, I know I'll see it, and so will many others). I contacted Hayley and she was all for it. She brought it to the team and we've been excitedly working to make it happen.

And today is the day!

So here is the deal.

If you're a current member of the Influence Network, you're invited to share with us! If you really want to link-up but aren't a member, well, today is the perfect day to become a member. Do so here!

Once you link your post, visit the blog of the person before you, and leave some kindness in the comments. (and this isn't a rule, but I dare ya to read a bunch of them, and to share comment love!)

Your post should include:

• 3 things about yourself
• 1 thing you have learned using the Network
• 1 photo of yourself that you absolutely love

So now that that's out of the way . . .

3 things about myself:

I decided to share things that might not come across on my blog.

1. I absolutely love home decor. I could spend days walking through Anthropologie, Ming Wo (a local kitchen store), or a local thrift store, searching for things to add to my home (aka I'd wander through the first two stores but find what I can afford at the thrift shop). I haven't had a chance to do it yet, but I plan to do a little home series at some point to share the physical space that I live in. I love it!

2. I think that I'm less extroverted than I used to be. When I've talked to people about it, they say that is just called growing up, but I'm not sure. I used to be the girl who would host parties on a monthly basis whereas now, up until this past weekend when I hosted my birthday party, I hadn't had a big group of people over in months and months. I have one on ones all the time, and like to invite smaller groups over for dinner and games nights, but it had been ages. I'm not sure if I like this change or not. I'm still deciding.

3. this one is hopefully more obvious to a consistent blog reader. I really love Jesus. I'm learning to love who He created me to be and how He created me, and I'm learning to walk in His identity for me. I love that He accept me now fully and completely, and that He calls me to keep seeking Him so that I can become more and more in His image. That's incredible to me. I love that He has allowed me to have this space where I get to share my heart, my struggles, my joys, my moments. I truly value this place and I really believe that He is working through it, which is very cool. I prayed a lot throughout last year working to deal with pride, and while I still have my prideful moments, I really feel freed from that to simply share truth here. It's a beautiful space for my heart to be, not seeking numbers, but praying for hearts. It's actually far less stressful as well.

What have I learned through the Influence Network?

I don't want this to come across as prideful, but I've really started to see value in my own voice. I thought that I would read through the forums and learn a lot, and I do, believe me I do, but more so than learning, I've been realizing that God has given me words to share. Sometimes it's scary and sometimes I'm not sure if I have it in me, but I've really felt led to share much of what I've written throughout the forums. I'm learning that my age doesn't hinder me on the forums. We're united by the Gospel of Jesus, so we all house voices that have purpose. One other practical thing I've learned. I never knew that Blogger stats were completely incorrect. I don't let stats rule my life, but I like to look at them because it excites me to Jesus working through my little voice. I've just this past weekend installed Google Analytics and I'm excited for that challenge and I'm definitely going to be looking to the forums to learn more.

One photo you love of yourself.

I just really like that my arms look skinny. It's an illusion I promise, but it's an illusion I'm alright with! And I like that the red ribbon-esk part of the dress isn't done up correctly. It bothered me for a long time, but somehow I find comfort in that - that a photo doesn't have to be perfect to be perfect.

Well there you have it! That's just a little bit about me! I hope you'll join in. I can't wait to read your words.

If you're on the fence, hop off the fence and into the party!

Finding peace on my living room floor

Just before I was about to turn off my computer late Sunday night and head to bed, I read something online that just broke me. I'm not going to link to it, but it broke me. So I went to the place I go when I am broken.

I crumpled from my space on the couch to the floor of my living room.

This floor knows me well.

It has heard the deepest of my heart cries.
It has listened to me cry.
It has listened to me yell. 
It has listened to me VLOG.
It has comforted me when the things of this world weren't offering me what I wanted them to.

This floor is the place I go to when I need Jesus in a way deeper than I usually need Him.

I always need Jesus.

But sometimes I just have to get on my knees, or on my face, or like I did Sunday, on my back on the floor in order to meet Him.

I wept for the sick.
I wept for the needy.
I wept for the lost.

And I told Jesus I have to trust You.

And then I wept for the lost again, because they don't get to have that.
They don't get the peace that I find on my living room floor.

Where do you physically go when you need peace? I find that peace in Jesus but I tend to go to my floor. You?

because I'm not okay

I'm having one of those weeks (and if I'm honest, one of those months) when life is hard. I've been confronted with some sin issues in my life and I don't like them.

I don't like them so much that I'm not writing about them yet. I'm not ready.

You know that old adage, are you sorry because of what you did or because you got caught? Yeah, I'm sitting on the side of because I got caught and because of that, my words are a bit different today.

I've been working to maintain 5 posts per week, and to share my heart, and to share what God is doing. I've been adding fun little features and been trying to share what life looks like. I've been a faith blogger for ages, but I'm learning how to be a life blogger. (not lifestyle, that ain't me, just life).

But some days I don't have strength to share or good pictures or a fun thing that happened, so I want to share what's on my heart right now:

 it's okay with me if you're not okay

And I'm not even going to clarify what that means, because I mean it as however you're reading it.

Because I'm not okay.

I sometimes hate writing from a place of brokenness, even though that is pretty much always where I write from, because I get nervous that people will think that I'm depressed or not living with joy. Neither are true.

I'm alright but not okay, if that makes any sense. I'm filled to the brim with the joy of the Lord yet constantly aware of the life I'm walking in.

I'm still adjusting to the fact that I dropped out of college last semester and that it took over 3 months to find work.

I'm still adjusting to the fact that I'm still single. I feel like this is my eternal issue.

I'm working through things and I'm looking to Jesus constantly and trying to figure out how He is calling me to respond, but through it all, I'm okay and not okay, all at once.

My words are jumbled. I'm not quite eloquent right now.

But seriously. Hear me on this.

Jesus is good.
He is my strength right now (and always!).

pretty devotions

A couple months ago, I snagged a coffee with a pastor from church. We talked about life, ministry, and all the normal coffee conversation chat. Part way through he asked me how my devotional life was going.

Um . . . I don't really want to tell you because you'd probably be unimpressed. BUT it's a lot better than it was.

Then he responded something like this:

 Oh child (just kidding, he'd never say that).

You know Nadine, I was just talking with the staff the other day about this. We've got to stop seeing devotions as a specific set time, a certain length, a to-do, with a start and finish feeling. We've got to spend our days looking for experiences with Jesus. That takes away the stress of it.

Isn't that cool? I've been reflecting on it a lot and I've realized that experiences with Jesus sound a lot more fun and natural and all together efficient than devotional times.

It's just like friendship right? If I were to walk up to a friend and say HELLO I AM HERE NOW LET'S TALK FOR THIS TIME AND I EXPECT THIS OUT OF YOU AND MAN OH MAN HERE WE GO!

That would make me an awful friend. Friendship happens simply if I'm there. Conversation happens because we're talking, not because I say we have to talk.

K, I'm a little bit hesitant to write this but I'm also kinda not scared of people today (unusual for me, I know - and if you don't know that, you probably haven't been here for very long) so I might as well get this out while I can.

Devotions is not an instagram photo.

Sorry.

Lovely lettering put out for everybody is good. It's beautiful. I often get encouraged by that. But I think Jesus wasn't just speaking for the sake of speaking when He said:

    “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
    “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words.
(Matthew 6:5-7 ESV)

I'm not saying putting photos up is bad. Not at all.

I'm tempted to tweet/facebook every single verse I read because I'll read a verse and get excited and want to share.

But you saw that word right, tempted?

Fear (a sin) often stops me from putting things up on the internet. But more often, pride (a sin) prompts me to share every thing I'm hearing from God.

Sometimes I just need to take God's word for myself. Not selfishly, but in awe and gratitude of His word.

If you share, share because you love Jesus and want more of Him, not because you're hoping for a like, a retweet, or a little heart.

My relationship with Jesus doesn't have pretty font in a journal alongside my morning coffee and instagram. My relationship with Jesus is just that - a relationship.

Real relationships are filled with laughter, tears, fun, smiles, good talks, light talks, heavy chats, real moments, and sincere words.

I want a real relationship with Jesus.

Devotions maybe shouldn't be so very regimented and formal. If that style of devotions works for you (you know the 1 hour per day every day thing) then keep at 'er.

But if you're like me, and you don't love routine or regiment, maybe try this out.

Look for Jesus.
You'll find Him.

If I'm driving for 5 minutes, I chat with Him.

If I'm showering, I'm probably praying.

If I'm talking with someone about faith stuff, I'm praying in my head.

Jesus is everywhere.

Not just in my one hour long devotion - which never happen for me anyway - or in my pretty picture of my strategically well-lit Bible.

I originally wrote some extra words down here that made this post really safe, and I gave myself some human-made grace (aka the kind that has nothing to do with Jesus). But I've been doing a lot of heart checking and I remembered that Jesus was anything but safe. 

I think that people posting pretty pictures every single day of their underlined Bible is wrong. I don't think they should stop reading their Bible, underlining it, learning about and from God, and even sharing what they're hearing from God (heck, my entire blog is about what I'm learning) but I think they should check their heart every time they hit 'post' in the same way I have to do the same. 

So I'm taking out the apology. And I'm risking your offense. In order that, even if you don't agree, you'll have thought about something new today. 

I've scheduled this post like 3 times. And then taken it down. Because I'm so scared of offending. And these words I'm adding below aren't based out of fear or pride - but are written in love for the good things that I do see happening.

There is an absolutely incredible movement called She Reads Truth, which is a community I participate in. It's a community where women are reading the Bible together, sharing what they learn together, and posting photos and stuff online. I want to add this little note because I think that that community is - the heart of it, which is getting women to read the Bible - so very incredible.

And in that community, in its leaders, and in the ladies who share posts of what God is teaching them, and shots of their journal and Bible - that's good stuff. That isn't wrong.

As long as the heart is that God be given glory and that hearts pointed to Jesus.

That's my heart in writing this post.

 To point the glory back to the Lord.

Because if God isn't the goal in whatever I (and dare I say you) say, write, post, think, etc. . . . we're sinning.

So be bold.
Share all the time.
And point to Him.

unsure places, assured hope

Wording is everything right?
And puncuation.
And spelling.
And never starting a word with "and".
These past lines have nothing to do with anything.

I'm sitting on my couch as I write this, worrying, fretting, and not trusting.

Yesterday morning I whispered to Jesus:

I'm really unsure about what is next.
I'm really not sure where it is You're leading me.
I'm following the best I can, but I can't even see an inch in front of me.
It's like I'm in a wind skewed desert.
Or a blizzard basked land.
Or something else where I can't see - raindrops covering my glasses (aka the worst).

Two months ago I dropped out of college.
Probably one of the most drastic decisions I've made in my life.

I'm working a job I love but after today I don't have any scheduled shifts.
How do I plan for a future where there is no plan?

I'm not hopeless.
I've got hope in the God that calls me to pray
give us this day our daily bread

a prayer I pray daily right now.



So I'm not writing today to claim helplessness
Or to rest in sadness.

Because when it all stops.
When the clock slows and I'm lying in bed . . .
When the morning alarm goes off and I consider how to fill a day that is void of anything to do again . . .
and when my heart hears news that hurts it again . . .


even then
every single time


That hope remains.

Even if I'm too weak to put out the words and even if truth is the hardest thing to hear right now.

The truth is that God is still God.
His plan leads to His glory.
So why should I fear?

If the lillies and sparrows get to be pretty and cared for . . .
And if He took time to fill the ocean with fishies just for fun . . .
and more . . .

I can trust in Him.

Where I am going I am very unsure of.
But WHO I am leaning on - OH - that I am very sure.

Jesus.

As I thought much of this aloud and in my head and via my typing fingers, I remembered Matthew 16.

I'm still not quite sure how to live this out but I'm going to cast down my burdens and then follow His lead.

    Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?
   
(Matthew 16:24-26 ESV)

stupid sin

I haven't spoken about fear as much as I used to.

Maybe because I thought, heavy emphasis on me thinking something but not demonstrating it, that I was okay.

I do that with a lot of things. 

Think I'm fine right until I'm crying and lying on the floor in my living room.  Some people cry in the shower, oh wait, I also do that, crap - but less often.

My big cries are when I'm flat on my face in the living room in tears over a hurt, more often in repentance of sin yet again, or when I'm petitioning a prayer for someone. Or they're late at night, curled up in my bed.

I thought I was doing okay at not fearing people.

Right until it took me MONTHS to write an email asking someone to do something super simple.
I'm talking suuuuuuuper simple. This kind of simple shouldn't take months.

Her response, filled with belly laughter and a respounding YES and an apology because she thought she'd already done it- made me burst into laughter.

Really loud laughter that sounded like tears because suddenly I was crying because the grace of God made me aware that yet again my sin was holding me back from authentic relationships.

Fear is sin.
And stupid.

    The fear of man lays a snare,
        but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.
(Proverbs 29:25 ESV)

Cease

Have you ever noticed something happen all the time?

A reoccurring event.

Or felt like you keep hearing a certain word being spoken more often then you ever have before?

A repeating word.

Or looked at your life pattern and recognized the same emotion showing up, consistently and without fail?

A regular sentiment.


Oh, just me?


There's a word that just keeps showing up.
An emotion that keeps on being felt.
A pattern that won't quite quit.


The word is striving. (as in stop striving)
The emotion is tired. (as in choose to rest instead)
The pattern is restless. (as in live in peace)

The overarching point seems to be

cease these things

. . .

    “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.” . . . “These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
(John 14:18-21,26-27 ESV)

. . . 

I truly am grateful, thankful, eternally in dept, to the Helper, the Holy Spirit, who teaches me all things and brings to my remembrance all that Jesus shared.

The Holy Spirit points me to the One who saves me from my striving, gives strength to my tired soul, provides refuge from all of my restlessness. His name is Jesus.

Authenticity Complacent

I used to think that I was good at being authentic. And when I say used, I mean like, up until the other night on a midnight walk with my roommate. We were chatting and she basically called me out on my fear. 

You’re so scared of what people think that you’re not willing to do anything.

My defense was that I try to please people because I don’t know if they’ll stay constant and forgive me. Whereas I know God will stay constant regardless of what I do.

When I think of how I try to please people, it probably looks and sounds good. I serve extra, I give extra, I love extra. All good things. 

All despicable things though if I’ve lost my first love.

My church recently went through the 7 letters in Revelation to the 7 churches. The letter to the church in Ephesus might as well be written to me:

            “‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. (Revelation 2:2-5a ESV)

Gross – I hate when I realize a sin that I am sitting comfortable in – in this case complacency.

I’ve forgotten my first love.

I want to remember it.

My first love is Christ.

Here are some of my sermon notes. You can listen to the sermon here:

Verse 2 – “I know” – full and complete knowledge

This statement of “I know” can lead to comfort, discomfort, or even fright and should lead to all three. Jesus is speaking of their works, toil, patient endurance, bearing with evil, and then their deep sin of forgetting Him – their first love.

We never want to hear Jesus say I have this against you.

I think that’s the most frightening thing to ever hear from Jesus. Yet it also brings comfort because with correction always comes grace if married with repentance.

Christ calls them to remember, repent, return, and rekindle. Remember the death of Jesus. Repentance is not one time but is a life-long disposition and is much larger than a “sorry”. Returning  to the works that they did at first all of the time – with His love as their motive, which is what they're called to rekindle with.

Duty is not what He is asking for. He wants love because that will change everything.

I want to live for Jesus in everything, not for people. I’m genuinely unsure of how to do that because I’ve gotten far too talented at pleasing people. BUT I do want to change.

Authenticity for me means being honest about this.

During the walk with my roomie, she reminded me that I need to be willing to live. I should prayerfully consider what I do, AND I need to be willing to step out and take chances in life.

I’ve stayed too safe. I’ve tried to please the people.

I want my motivation for pleasing and loving people to be out of devotion and obedience to Christ.

My first love, and most important love, is Jesus. 

The Jesus that offers salvation for any who repent of sin and call upon His name - that Jesus.

To Movement

Chatting with God recently led me to these verses.

    And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
   
(1 Thessalonians 5:14-18 ESV)

I appreciate what Charles Spurgeon shares in his sermon on these verses:

"The more praying the more rejoicing. Prayer gives a channel to the pent-up sorrows of the soul, they flow away, and in their stead streams of sacred delight pour into the heart. At the same time the more rejoicing the more praying; when the heart is in a quiet condition, and full of joy in the Lord, then also will it be sure to draw nigh unto the Lord in worship. Holy joy and prayer act and react upon each other."

"You are always in danger of being tempted; there is no position in life in which you may not be assaulted by the enemy. "Pray without ceasing," therefore. A man who is going along a dark road where he knows that there are enemies, if he must be alone and has a sword with him, he carries it drawn in his hand, to let the robbers know that he is ready for them. So Christian, pray without ceasing; carry your sword in your hand, wave that mighty weapon of all-prayer of which Bunyan speaks. Never sheathe it; it will cut through coats of mail. You need fear no foe if you can but pray. As you are tempted without ceasing, so pray without ceasing."

‎"Never give up praying, not even though Satan should suggest to you that it is in vain for you to cry unto God. Pray in his teeth; "pray without ceasing." If for awhile the heavens are as brass and your prayer only echoes in thunder above your head, pray on; if month after month your prayer appears to have miscarried, and no reply has been vouchsafed to you, yet still continue to draw nigh unto the Lord. Do not abandon the mercy-seat for any reason whatever."

These three small sections of his sermon are incredible. They're beautiful. They're inspiring.

BUT they're so much more than inspiring. I often dislike when people say that something encouraged or inspired them, not because I don't want people to be both of those things but because I truly pray that they're encouraged and inspired to movement.

When I hear God speak to me, I want to move in His words. I don't want to just let them slide past my ears. I want them to sink into my soul and impact my every day.

      I have told the glad news of deliverance
        in the great congregation;
    behold, I have not restrained my lips,
        as you know, O LORD.
    I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
        I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
    I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
        from the great congregation.
(Psalm 40:9-10 ESV)

How do you faithfully walk forward in what you hear from God?

Quiet

My words are quiet around here.

Partly because I'm swamped with the beginning of the semester and my attempts at balancing classes, songwriting, community group apprenticing, worship, church, homework, work, and all the flows in between is a little bit unsuccessful thus far.

I've got some fun ideas for new posts and I'm trying to work on them and then come back with a bit of a bang, as opposed to just writing for the sake of getting stuff out.

Another reason is because I've been feeling a lot of restlessness and I really want to be going to Jesus with my words rather than my blog.

I'm not gone, I'm not even considering leaving - I'm just making sure my words have purpose when I write them.

Tuney-Tuesday will continue for next week, but it might be near time to retire that sweet little blog series. It's definitely been my longest running series so I'm somewhat proud of myself for continuing it throughout the summer.

See you when I see you.

Tune-y Tuesday (what do I know of holy)

A number of years ago a friend sent me this song. She said that if she didn't know that I hadn't written it, she would have thought that I had.

I led it in worship that next weekend at the youth service and I've loved it ever since. I don't listen to it as often now but I always find it sweetly convicting because it causes me to authenticate my faith again.

It brings me back to Jesus, back to who He is, and causes me to refocus on Him.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?


What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire?

Are You fury?
Are You sacred?

Are You beautiful?
What do I know?

What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories* and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire?
Are You fury?
Are You sacred?
Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire?
Are You fury?
Are You sacred?
Are You beautiful?
What do I know?
What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

*I had a friend over recently and I was asking for prayer for being more diligent for reading my Bible more. I've been getting better over the past few months as I've made it a discipline, but I want my actual studying to get better.

Sometimes it's easy for Christians who grew up in church to know all the stories and know all the verses and even be able to reference appropriate verses at the right time and still not know Christ. I don't want that to be my story. I want to reread all the stories and relearn all the truth, this time with a heart that knows Christ and desires Him more.