grab a book

Last night I did something absolutely marvelous. It was a bit off character for me but nonetheless felt quite lovely.

I didn’t do anything.

Or more specifically, I rested. I decided to simply grab a book.

After getting home from work, I made a quick decision to grab a book and read. I sat at the edge of my bed, staring at the many books I’d like to dig into. I considered each, but felt my gaze lower to the bottom shelf. The bottom shelf holds my non theological books I simply read for fun, aka the books I never read.

My eyes scanned through until I saw one in particular. The Princess.

I grabbed it, walked to the living room, opened my front door, sat on the couch, opened a coca-cola, bundled myself in a blanket and started to read.

I read for the next hour and a half until I had to chat with a friend. I chatted, but once we were done, I wandered back to the couch for more. As I sat and grabbed the book again, now enjoying wine instead of the long-finished coca-cola, the idea of a bath occurred.

Hm. That sure sounded delightful.

So I walked around to find Epsom salts, my pi’s, a freshly poured drink and grabbed the same book I was now a hundred pages into.

For the next two hours or so I sat and I read, literally soaking in the rest.

I was ready to be done the bath and few minutes before finishing the book. Yep, almost 300 pages in just a couple hours.

I’d written on instagram earlier:

Sometimes I think it's important to grab a book you've read at least ten times, one that won't teach you anything, and that isn't on your goals list. Too settle under your favourite blanket, drink coca-cola, and let your heart rest for awhile. Anybody agree?

I think everybody agreed. Or at least the comments and double tapped hearts made me think so.

Self-care is such a buzz word. I always always always hate buzz words. Especially when I feel like a buzz word is for a particular group, self-care being for moms.

Yet as a single girl, with a fully schedule, who loves people and community, serving and all things gospel, rest matters. Self-care matters. 

I meant what I said when I said: read a book that won’t teach you anything and that isn’t on your goals list.

I’m always working to make things count, to make them matter.

When I go for a walk with the baby, I walk really fast so I can count it as exercise.

When the baby is in the bath, I’m lying on the floor beside her doing sit-ups and push ups and squats.

I fill up every minutes of everyday with purpose. I read books and blogs and I think the things I do are good. I think they’re from a pure heart that is seeking righteousness.

But Jesus rested. He really and truly did. Jesus rested amidst storms and sought solitude from a world that desperately needed Him to offer them Himself.

And then, at the proper time, He did offer Himself. Fully and completely, in the biggest act of grace and compassion the world had ever seen.

I can’t claim to do the things He did, and I hope never to have to bear a cross. But I do want to seek first His Kingdom.

And I think, well, I’d be willing to say know instead of think, that I’ll find His kingdom when I seek His presence for my rest.

Which is exactly what I did as I read The Princess last night. A book I’d read maybe even a dozen times, that surprised me with its sweet teachings of the rest and grace we find in Christ.

Self-care. What do you think? Valuable? Buzz word? Am I off in my perspective? I hope not. But let me know your thoughts on self-care.

give it a year

A friend of mine, who recently was denied access at the border and therefore denied access to a six month internship she was heading to posted this the other day. 

The post resonated with me, both because my life has not looked like I would like it to, and because I had just posted a link earlier that day to a post I wrote last year. I had instagrammed the image from that year ago post and shared some thoughts. 



Below the picture I shared: I just looked back a year on my blog, to see what was happening. As I read the words, all I could think was "give it a year". It's amazing what a year can do to a life. This year is truly different. It's been filled with good changes and for the first time in a very long time, I'm looking at the future with joy in my heart. It IS okay if you're not okay because maybe, just maybe, in a year (or hopefully sooner), things WILL be okay.

As I read the post on a beautiful mess, I felt a sense of relief. I'm not one for looking back. It's both healthy and unhealthy I'm sure. 

Regardless, I felt a freedom I hadn't felt. Since graduating high school, I've lived in Africa, gone to Bible college, worked as a server, gone to college for a medical job, and worked in the medical field.

Am I still in that field? No. Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I had stayed in the field, but the 21 year old me didn't know that. 

Amongst other things, I've worked reception at a finance office.  I've checked groceries at Safeway. I've booked mammograms at a call centre and worked at an after school daycare centre. I've worked one on one with children with autism. I've worked front desk at an optometrist office. I've been a nanny. 

In there, I've gone back to school and dropped out of school. I moved three times in 2010 and moved twice in the past six months. 

This laundry list of my life has not gone as planned. I've been called flaky and have been told that I am not willing to commit. I've been encouraged to keep looking until I find myself and I've been encouraged to suck it up and just deal.

This life ain't one where I know what the future holds. And other than knowing if I ever get to be married (because it’d be nice to know if that’ll ever happen), the future isn't something I'm hoping to glance at. 

I wrote "give it a year" because you never know what a year can bring. Life could go in any direction at any time. That's the beauty of life. Sometimes is a difficult beauty, like a caterpillar getting ready to go through metamorphosis. It's not a pretty process. And this is a cliche example. But eventually - butterfly. 

I’m entering butterfly season I think. Things are changing, and I’m really excited.

pretty devotions

A couple months ago, I snagged a coffee with a pastor from church. We talked about life, ministry, and all the normal coffee conversation chat. Part way through he asked me how my devotional life was going.

Um . . . I don't really want to tell you because you'd probably be unimpressed. BUT it's a lot better than it was.

Then he responded something like this:

 Oh child (just kidding, he'd never say that).

You know Nadine, I was just talking with the staff the other day about this. We've got to stop seeing devotions as a specific set time, a certain length, a to-do, with a start and finish feeling. We've got to spend our days looking for experiences with Jesus. That takes away the stress of it.

Isn't that cool? I've been reflecting on it a lot and I've realized that experiences with Jesus sound a lot more fun and natural and all together efficient than devotional times.

It's just like friendship right? If I were to walk up to a friend and say HELLO I AM HERE NOW LET'S TALK FOR THIS TIME AND I EXPECT THIS OUT OF YOU AND MAN OH MAN HERE WE GO!

That would make me an awful friend. Friendship happens simply if I'm there. Conversation happens because we're talking, not because I say we have to talk.

K, I'm a little bit hesitant to write this but I'm also kinda not scared of people today (unusual for me, I know - and if you don't know that, you probably haven't been here for very long) so I might as well get this out while I can.

Devotions is not an instagram photo.

Sorry.

Lovely lettering put out for everybody is good. It's beautiful. I often get encouraged by that. But I think Jesus wasn't just speaking for the sake of speaking when He said:

    “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
    “And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words.
(Matthew 6:5-7 ESV)

I'm not saying putting photos up is bad. Not at all.

I'm tempted to tweet/facebook every single verse I read because I'll read a verse and get excited and want to share.

But you saw that word right, tempted?

Fear (a sin) often stops me from putting things up on the internet. But more often, pride (a sin) prompts me to share every thing I'm hearing from God.

Sometimes I just need to take God's word for myself. Not selfishly, but in awe and gratitude of His word.

If you share, share because you love Jesus and want more of Him, not because you're hoping for a like, a retweet, or a little heart.

My relationship with Jesus doesn't have pretty font in a journal alongside my morning coffee and instagram. My relationship with Jesus is just that - a relationship.

Real relationships are filled with laughter, tears, fun, smiles, good talks, light talks, heavy chats, real moments, and sincere words.

I want a real relationship with Jesus.

Devotions maybe shouldn't be so very regimented and formal. If that style of devotions works for you (you know the 1 hour per day every day thing) then keep at 'er.

But if you're like me, and you don't love routine or regiment, maybe try this out.

Look for Jesus.
You'll find Him.

If I'm driving for 5 minutes, I chat with Him.

If I'm showering, I'm probably praying.

If I'm talking with someone about faith stuff, I'm praying in my head.

Jesus is everywhere.

Not just in my one hour long devotion - which never happen for me anyway - or in my pretty picture of my strategically well-lit Bible.

I originally wrote some extra words down here that made this post really safe, and I gave myself some human-made grace (aka the kind that has nothing to do with Jesus). But I've been doing a lot of heart checking and I remembered that Jesus was anything but safe. 

I think that people posting pretty pictures every single day of their underlined Bible is wrong. I don't think they should stop reading their Bible, underlining it, learning about and from God, and even sharing what they're hearing from God (heck, my entire blog is about what I'm learning) but I think they should check their heart every time they hit 'post' in the same way I have to do the same. 

So I'm taking out the apology. And I'm risking your offense. In order that, even if you don't agree, you'll have thought about something new today. 

I've scheduled this post like 3 times. And then taken it down. Because I'm so scared of offending. And these words I'm adding below aren't based out of fear or pride - but are written in love for the good things that I do see happening.

There is an absolutely incredible movement called She Reads Truth, which is a community I participate in. It's a community where women are reading the Bible together, sharing what they learn together, and posting photos and stuff online. I want to add this little note because I think that that community is - the heart of it, which is getting women to read the Bible - so very incredible.

And in that community, in its leaders, and in the ladies who share posts of what God is teaching them, and shots of their journal and Bible - that's good stuff. That isn't wrong.

As long as the heart is that God be given glory and that hearts pointed to Jesus.

That's my heart in writing this post.

 To point the glory back to the Lord.

Because if God isn't the goal in whatever I (and dare I say you) say, write, post, think, etc. . . . we're sinning.

So be bold.
Share all the time.
And point to Him.

Artsy or Excellent?

I was at a training session for community group leaders at my church, and the pastor used an example of a camera lens to describe the many aspects that are necessary to have a healthy and fruitful community group.

Apparently if you were to cut open a lens, you would see multiple parts, all necessary for the shot.

A part missing could mean a blurry shot. Or something off.

I sat there, thinking about how using instagram, people are often making shots blurry, or off in an artistic way.

The enemy wants me to miss things. He wants me to forget to care for my neighbour, to pray for and with other believers, to share Jesus with people. 

    Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,
(Philippians 2:14-15 ESV)

An artistic faith, one that is good with Jesus in a lot of ways, but also okay with things of the world in a lot of ways will be respected by many. It'll be happily tolerated. The sinner inside will rejoice.

Jesus rejoices when I rejoice in Him.

I want my faith to be anything but artistic - I want it to be focused. I want it to be clear. I want a perfect shot, without blemish, blur, or any skew at all.

    Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.
(Ephesians 5:15-17 ESV)

As I similarly mentioned the other day, I really truly want Jesus to look at each moment of my life and see Himself in it.

I'm tired of having an artistic or sin friendly faith.

    But you must remember, beloved, the predictions of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ. They said to you, “In the last time there will be scoffers, following their own ungodly passions.” It is these who cause divisions, worldly people, devoid of the Spirit. But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life.
(Jude 1:17-21 ESV)

I want my heart to focus on Christ. I want my faith to be excellent, not for my own praise or glory but because I love Jesus!

Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
(Colossians 4:5-6 ESV)

God is good, worthy of honour, and capable of receiving ALL glory.

    For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
    Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
(Ephesians 3:14-21 ESV)