{a walk through} psalm 92

In general, I wouldn't say I'm a forsure type person. As in, there aren't a lot of things that I feel super strongly about. Well, that's not true, but I'm definitely not a fan of committing.

Or maybe it's more that I don't like admitting I like something because that makes me known.

I know, we're getting deep for a Thursday.

A few weeks ago, on adventure day, Christy and I were driving and I commented to her that I was listening to boy music more often. We had had a conversation three years prior (I remember what people say to me) about how I listened to girly music.

I'd been somewhat offended at the time, and had determined that that wasn't true.

As we listened to my boy music, she told me it wasn't boy music.

She also told me that I don't like being known.

I’ve been reflecting on that since then, trying to wrap my mind around why that is the case for me.

I’ve got thoughts, and I’m writing them, but today I want to share something that I for sure know about myself, and that I’m happy to share.

I love playing on worship team. It’s my joy. Leading worship at church is one of my most favourite things to do. Looking at songs for weeks in advance, listening to the arrangements over and over, mapping out my charts, underlining the words that matter to my heart as I practice.

I love it.

When I read this Psalm, I loved that it spoke about worship.

Worship became hard for me last year. Physically and spiritually hard. It’s still not always easy, but for whatever reason, for my entire life, I’ve always felt freedom on stage. I’ve felt a freedom to worship God with an abandon I know nowhere else. I think it’s because I know my music, and I’m not thinking, and I’m praying for my church, and I’m thinking through scripture that lines up with the words, and I’m just mindful of Christ and thus worshipful in my heart better than normal.

Two Sundays ago I was not on the team, but I was mindful. As I got ready for church in the morning, I was already praying about the service, asking God to speak. As I drove to church, listening to worship music, I asked God to give me back my abandon. To worship Him with freedom and no fear. And that Sunday I worshiped, alongside my church instead of on the stage, with a freedom I had not felt in months. It was incredible.

Worship. I love it.

Being know. It’s scary.

And that’s all she wrote.

worship

I'm linking up with five minute friday today.

I stood alongside my church last night at a worship night in our new building. Through the generosity of many, we're moving into a large and huge building downtown. I've written about feeling small on its stage, on marveling at WHO God is.

Last night was a worship night.

I stood amidst friends, amidst believers in Jesus, and we sang and we sang and we sang.

I did my normal singing, harmonizing, raising my hands, raising my face to look at the ceiling - I always sense the Holy Spirit in the rafters. It's a sweet gift for my soul.

I did all my normal worship routines, things that mean so much to me, and I felt so little.

I stood singing truths, but in my mind I had to force myself to continue.

In scripture it shares to take every thought captive.

I had to do that last night as I sang truth. 

For the entirety of the service, I was combating the lies in my head.

Because the truth is the Christ died so that sinners may have abundant life.

It's a hard truth to remember when big huge securities in your life fall to the side.

And big huge securities in my life fell to the side this past week.

It's been a week of utmost worship to my King Jesus.

Of hard questions, of deep thoughts, of dance parties by myself simply to lighten the mood of my emotions.

It's been a week of worship.

So last night, as I stood in the crowd singing, I kept praying that God would break my hard heartedness.

That He would ruin my stiffness and give me Himself.

And then Oceans came on, and I could barely sing along because I've been singing that song for weeks, and I'm facing the repercussions of it now.

I prayed to have trust without borders and God has broken every border I know to exist.
I prayed for feet that go far, and I've never felt so pushed in my life.

I've felt deep grace in deep waters, abounding grace.

As those words came, I dropped to my knees and finally felt my heart melt.
But not in praise, in desperation.

As I heard my church sing the words, I prayed viciously,
no further.
please no further.
please no further.

I'm not sure what God has for me next, but though my heart is hurt and my life is a little crazy, I do know that He has a good plan.