Worship is

I hit a moment of exhaustion on Friday. I was literally face down on the floor attempting to avoid tears while the baby played around me. 

You know those weeks that are so full, of good things, not even bad things, that you forget that your body really does need rest to survive? Oh, you don’t forget that you need rest? Well, lucky you.
 
Last week was one of those weeks. I was out every night and most nights I was out past midnight. Smart right?

So Friday. I was done. I woke up in the morning already feeling done. I was exhausted and tired and finished and all I wanted to do was stay in my bed forever. So I went to work, and had a great morning with the baby. We had fun playing and went for a nice long walk, and it was lovely. But then she didn’t nap, and anybody who has ever hung out with a baby knows that naps are necessary for babies (and their nannies and/or mamas).

So we started playing but I found myself face down on the ground, just trying to not cry. Trying to grasp some sort of joy deep in my heart that could sustain me for the next few hours.

I grabbed the keys, locked the door, and took the baby for a walk to the front lobby. I put on worship music, sat on the floor, started to sing, and she ran around the room.

We stayed there for over half an hour, just worshiping the Lord in our own ways. 

It was so life giving and refreshing, to take my weary soul to the Lord and find rest. To give the baby a room larger than her living room to run around.

Anytime anyone walked in, she would race towards me and sit in my arms until they were gone. Or she’s smile coyly at the many dogs that live in her building.

Worship is so sweet to me, because it’s isn’t simply singing. It isn’t simply any definition. It’s many definitions.

On Saturday, the worship team had a meeting at church. We ate waffles and then defined worship. It was interesting to hear all the various definitions, because all were correct.

Worship is music. Worship is intentionality. Worship is everything that we do, and not always to the Lord. Worship is insert more definitions.

In that moment, sitting on the floor, smiling at the baby, hugging her whenever she’d come close, worship was inviting the Lord into my weary soul. Worship was entering His rest.
 

What does worship mean to you?

{a walk through} psalm 92

In general, I wouldn't say I'm a forsure type person. As in, there aren't a lot of things that I feel super strongly about. Well, that's not true, but I'm definitely not a fan of committing.

Or maybe it's more that I don't like admitting I like something because that makes me known.

I know, we're getting deep for a Thursday.

A few weeks ago, on adventure day, Christy and I were driving and I commented to her that I was listening to boy music more often. We had had a conversation three years prior (I remember what people say to me) about how I listened to girly music.

I'd been somewhat offended at the time, and had determined that that wasn't true.

As we listened to my boy music, she told me it wasn't boy music.

She also told me that I don't like being known.

I’ve been reflecting on that since then, trying to wrap my mind around why that is the case for me.

I’ve got thoughts, and I’m writing them, but today I want to share something that I for sure know about myself, and that I’m happy to share.

I love playing on worship team. It’s my joy. Leading worship at church is one of my most favourite things to do. Looking at songs for weeks in advance, listening to the arrangements over and over, mapping out my charts, underlining the words that matter to my heart as I practice.

I love it.

When I read this Psalm, I loved that it spoke about worship.

Worship became hard for me last year. Physically and spiritually hard. It’s still not always easy, but for whatever reason, for my entire life, I’ve always felt freedom on stage. I’ve felt a freedom to worship God with an abandon I know nowhere else. I think it’s because I know my music, and I’m not thinking, and I’m praying for my church, and I’m thinking through scripture that lines up with the words, and I’m just mindful of Christ and thus worshipful in my heart better than normal.

Two Sundays ago I was not on the team, but I was mindful. As I got ready for church in the morning, I was already praying about the service, asking God to speak. As I drove to church, listening to worship music, I asked God to give me back my abandon. To worship Him with freedom and no fear. And that Sunday I worshiped, alongside my church instead of on the stage, with a freedom I had not felt in months. It was incredible.

Worship. I love it.

Being know. It’s scary.

And that’s all she wrote.

Tune-y Tuesday (if You want me to)

I love this song by Ginny Owens.

If you're hurting, if you're going through a tough season, if you're asking God for clarity - this is a beautiful song to sing to Him.

I hope it encourages you as much as it does for me whenever I hear it.

It's if You want me to by Ginny Owens.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise

You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

Tune-y Tuesday (Give me Faith)

Similar to thankfulness, scriptures speak often about singing to God. We're called to worship all times.

Today I want to share a song that my heart is LOVING.

This song is by Elevation Worship and is called "Give Me Faith". 

I love it because as much as this video shows flashy backgrounds, the words (and the hearts of the leaders who are singing this - I think) share such a passion for Jesus and a desire to just live for Him.

My favourite line is "give me faith to trust what You say, that You're good and Your love is great". I need that line in so many moments of my day when all of a sudden my sinful heart gets loud and wonders if God is real or good or caring. I need it in the moments when my forgiven heart forgets and desires condemnation and shame. I need faith in each moment. Because God is good, His love is great, and His sayings are trustworthy.

I need You to soften my heart,

To break me apart.

I need You to open my eyes,

To see that You're shaping my life.

 

All I am, 

I surrender.
 

Give me faith to trust what You say,

That You're good and Your love is great.

I'm broken inside,

I give You my life.

I need You to soften my heart,

To break me apart. 

I need You pierce through the dark,

And cleanse every part of me.

All I am, 

I surrender.

 

Give me faith to trust what You say,

That You're good and Your love is great.

I'm broken inside, 

I give You my life.

 
I may be weak.

Your Spirit strong in me.

My flesh may fail.

My God you never will.

 

Give me faith to trust what You say,

That You're good and Your love is great.

I'm broken inside,

I give You my life.

. . .

Let me finish this post by bringing you back to the God we serve (just in case the song above didn't quite bring your heart to a point of worship).

    My heart is steadfast, O God,
        my heart is steadfast!
    I will sing and make melody!
        Awake, my glory!
    Awake, O harp and lyre!
        I will awake the dawn!
    I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
        I will sing praises to you among the nations.
    For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
        your faithfulness to the clouds.
    Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
        Let your glory be over all the earth!
(Psalm 57:7-11 ESV)

Wow.

Worshipful Heart

Worship is many things. It's loving Jesus. It is not confined in music, but I love when I get an opportunity to lead others in musical worship. It's such an honour.

It's an honour and it's humbling to serve on a worship team. It's the most fun ever and also carries different weights which also makes it hard to do.

I don't know how to explain it. I wrote this entire post and came back to this part because I don't know how to explain the weight of it. I can never quite understand how worship can be such a mix of extreme joy and yet deep sorrow for me. I think it's partially because I see Jesus working and I see people reject Him all within the span of six songs. Jesus does the saving - so I can rest and trust His timing for the salvation of souls.

Time after time, God consistently speaks to my soul as I worship through song. I think He knows that I need Him to speak to me through melody and harmony. He lets me get lost in the words and sounds and then He speaks to me. Sometimes it'll come during the oddest lines in the songs.

Today it was during a line speaking about ambitions when Jesus just challenged me to rest and trust Him to move in an area where I've been grasping for control. It's time to seek Him alone.

There's other moments, and these ones are harder to do as a worship leader, when He tells me to stop singing and to pray. But Lord I'm supposed to sing right now but Nadine you're going to pray to me. Okay. 

It's amazing to see Him evidence Himself through those prayers.

God is so cool in music to me. There was one point today when I was playing a sweet song and just loving it, and was just lost in His Spirit. I love that He allows me, and those who call upon His name, to experience moments where the Holy Spirit is just so big and loud and huge and evident and amazing.

I pray that everyone knows His Spirit. I really do. I hate that there are so many who do not know His love. It hurts my soul that there are people walking all over this earth without the love of Jesus in them. 

I glanced at the Holy Spirit during that song and whispered, "God, you're so cool".

It's the coolest thing to get to watch people who love Jesus walk forward and receive Him each Sunday. It's beautiful to watch broken people suddenly find hope and those who feel sorrow suddenly experience joy.

God is so cool. I'm so grateful He lets this silly girl play any type of role in His kingdom. I'm not quite sure why He uses me - except that it gives Him glory. A good God using a desperately awful girl like me shows that He can do all things (or at least that's what I think about it).

This girl loves Jesus. I'm glad He loves me as well. It makes everything so much better.