what's your belt of truth?

I was at a women's retreat at the beginning of October and the takeaway for my heart was one question in particular that the speaker posed:

What's your belt of truth?

A belt of truth being that thing that you remember all the time. When a lie comes into your mind, you can combat it with truth.

Up until she made the reference, I'd never thought about how essential the belt of truth is to the life of a believer. It holds up our pants. That's what a belt does. It keeps us clothed.

What's your belt of truth?

Mine is that Christ is for me.

What's yours?

Jesus provides the refuge.

Jesus provides the refuge.


Yesterday in church we sang In Christ Alone which is an incredible song. It was absolutely incredible to feel freedom on Sunday as I was singing the words, and was truly an even more incredible feeling as I looked around the building and saw more arms up than I had ever seen before. Now that is freedom in Christ.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

it was in this moment that it was as if our entire church took a deep breath of the ONE who made our breath

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

. . .

In Faith

At church we just finished a quick little series on Spiritual Gifts.

After the first week I walked away determined and praying that God would teach our church how to effectively use our gifts in a way that would give Him great glory.

After the second week I walked away desperately broken and in need of Christ. It was the day I finally admitted that I was completely lacking any sense of understanding for His will. 

It's been a slow descent into an uphill battle but Jesus is working to bring healing and redemption to me. It's taking a lot of repentance, which hurts a lot, but it's also bringing me to a place of understanding, albeit slowly, which leads to joy.

After the third week, this past Sunday, I walked away educated. I now have far better understanding for what the gifts of the Spirit are and much information on them.

The point of the series though was far less on the what they actually are and far more on what is the purpose of the gifts.

aka - Why did God give His people gifts? Oh, to give Him glory in everything they do, to encourage the faith of those around them, to be encouraged individually at what God is doing, and to strengthen the Church. (plus more - go listen to that series)

A friend came over after church and we talked about the gifts. I asked her what she thought mine was and she immediately responded: faith

I was surprised. I often question the validity and strength of my faith. I turn to Christ often and feel a need to apologize for how I can so quickly seek counsel from anything but Him. 

The past few months leading up the past couple weeks I've also felt more spiritual attacks in the area of faith then ever before. 


I didn't fully dismiss my friends comment but I sort of dismissed it.

I figured she was probably wrong.

Surely my gift is leadership or wisdom or teaching or serving or shepherding, or any other one, I thought to myself.

Then I had my mentor/coach over for dinner a couple nights later.

Side note: I read an article a while back about being mentored. I highly recommend it. I'm certainly not very good at that list but I try to be a considerate mentee since I'm the one asking for time, advice, and wisdom. Check it out.

One of the questions I came in with (I had more than five, in fact I had eleven. I texted her the day before "in addition to dessert, can you please bring your wisdom?" to which she responded saying that she would try) was what do you think my spiritual gift is?

She too said faith. 

In fact she, like the friend before said oh yeah, when I heard that part of the sermon I immediately thought of you.

I don't have a point in this post except to say:

Good job Jesus!

It truly is nothing of myself that I have faith. It's all His grace.

 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
(Ephesians 2:8-9 ESV)

I'm not quite sure what the what next part looks like for me, but I do know that I always want to give God glory in every action.

I want to meet Him and hear well done good and faithful one.

Words from God, the same God who created all words, will only come if I offer Him my words and works.

So that's what I'm doing.

Take 'em. Use 'em. Get glory.

I'll just sit here with my apparently big faith and trust in ya God!

Living In Peace

I wrote this as my status on fb and twitter yesterday:

I wrestle and weep with memories. I rest in the peace I still don't understand.

If you've been around for a long while, you might note (as a dear friend who messaged me today did) that I'm hitting some one year memories right now. 

Memories of meeting boy, dating boy, and then being back to single again.

I sat in amidst a lot of tears the last week. Not because I'd still like to date boy, but simply because it's sometimes hard. I think it's one of those 'just a girl' things.

I'm so thankful for friends who text and remember things.

I'm thankful for friends who have gone through breakups and have such sweet understanding.

I'm thankful for friends who don't know and so they don't mention anything (thus avoiding weepy moments).

I'm most thankful for a Saviour who endured the crushing weight of all my sin on Him, so that I can turn to Him and call for help. I'm thankful that He always responds. I'm thankful that He gives a peace that I do not understand. I'm thankful for the bear-esk hug that the Holy Spirit seems to hold me in each time my eyes flood. I'm thankful that God is Sovereign. His Sovereignty allows me to trust His timing, rest in the truth that He knows best, and lay this burden down (continually) at His feet.

Jesus wrecked me at church yesterday. I told someone that, and they asked me what I meant. 

Jesus, (grace in fact,) wrecks me against myself. His grace makes me hate the things that so often grab my attention and cause me to stumble, and more so hate the things that I choose to gravitate towards which are sinful.

(((you should totally go listen to the sermon btw. it's part 4 over here.)))

It's that whole a secondary heartbeat thing. He makes me need to live differently than this heart of flesh. He calls me to live a different life than that my sinful heart wants. He calls me to hope.

Rest and Wait

When I moved to Vancouver, after finding my sea (Jesus) legs, I dove into church. I dove into serving and learning, and completely gave myself back to Christ.

I decided that I would make an excellent community group leader.

So I told people that I wanted to lead. That I was capable and ready.

They told me to wait.

I waited.

I met with a pastor and discussed the options. This was about 8ish months later. This time my heart was a bit better. I still felt capable and ready, but I was willing to go through the apprenticeship process.

Note for you, in case you think I sound like an arrogant something - my heart was sinful. I desired power and wanted to lead people to Christ through me. 

He told me that I needed to wait. He set me up with a great couple who I mini-apprenticed with.

I didn't want to apprentice. I wanted to lead. But I decided that if I had to apprentice to lead, I would do so.

I started meeting with the lady leader in the group and we discussed life. We would hang out and be intentional about conversation. It was great. But my heart was still quite silly and deceitful.

They moved away to an exciting life adventure and I met with the pastor again.

You need to wait. You need to have a real apprenticeship now.

Okay. So I did. This past fall, I started apprentesing.

It was sweet. It started at a perfect time because the day before we first met, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. That led to some of the biggest work God's ever done on my heart thus far.

. . .

Sometimes I feel weird writing and talking about how God's done work in my life, as if either I think I'm great now, or that somehow my words will come off as arrogant.

I hope though, that through what I write and share, that I demonstrate a need for Jesus that grows each day and not the opposite which would be needing Jesus less. That'd be gross and stupid of me to ever think that.

Anyways, Jesus changes hearts. We shouldn't be ashamed of mentioning (aka talking often) about the fact that we once were buried in sin with no option out and with no chance for salvation, that God saved us on His accord (by grace He allowed us to have faith), and that we still sin and need Jesus. I still sin, daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every second. Jesus saves me constantly. He is my redeemer, my refuge, my grace, and my hope. 

. . .

So. I started apprenticing. I started learning. I started being faithful to the plan that my church had decided was correct. I started reading my Bible more, praying more, and made more diligent efforts to live out the things I professed and believed.

Cue December. I met with that same pastor again. I shared that I felt more ready than ever, and that God had changed my heart (because I felt He had) and that it wasn't about myself anymore.

The conversation was epic. Mostly because Jesus used the pastor to speak hugely into my heart. Through discussion and me being honest about things, I realized that there were huge sin issues deep inside my heart. Sin issues that related back to bullying from elementary school, having a hugely judgmental perspective in high school, and not holding people accountable for being bad friends just so that they would like me. My fear of man, my pride issues, and my insecurities - they all were exposed for what they were - sin.

My heart was shocked. I remember sobbing in that meeting, not because I was angry that I'd been exposed, but because no one had ever told me those things. No one ever mentioned that the way I lived my life was actually showing sin issues that I wasn't working on.

He got me to stay as an apprentice for another season. I gladly accepted. In fact, I feel as though I stepped back from leading in many ways.

God spoke to my heart. He told me to be quiet more than I spoke (which was hard because I love talking). He told me to listen for more than words (which was hard because did I mention I love talking). He told me to sit in scripture for a lot more time than I did then (which was hard because if you've read my blog for awhile, you know that getting into the Bible routinely is one of my biggest struggles).

There were a lot of things God started speaking to my heart. None were easy, and all took away things I cared for. All of them however, were essential to living a life that is for Jesus.

When I say that God took away things I cared for, I mean that God gave me grace. He showed me that I had to stop being selfish in certain areas, to start using self-control, and many other things. He took away the sinful things I was holding to. I'm so thankful. 

Over the past two or so months, my heart legitimately has changed.

I say that with the hope that in another season, I'll look back and see a lot more change - in a good way.
 
So now what - what about leading a group? I'd still like to, and I'm totally willing. I'm excited if the opportunity arises. But I'm not quite so sure about when that will be. It might be the fall (just kidding, it won't be - more on that in a minute), next spring, the fall after, or five years down the road.

More so then when, I also don't know what my group will look like. I had a vision up until December of what my group would be like, and mostly the vision was Nadine gets to lead and talk about Jesus and be in charge.

I don't have a vision anymore.

If I've learnt anything in the past couple years, it's that I can't close my fist around anything. My spiritual hands have to be open. I need to keep my heart in a posture of worship toward Jesus.

. . .

Today I met with a pastor about what the fall looks like. I was honest about the fact that I'm unsure if, when, how, why, etc., God has a group for me. I'm just unsure now.

Guess what?

I get to wait longer.

And I'm so excited.

I think it's because I went into this meeting with open hands rather than grasping ones.

I went into this meeting ready to listen to Jesus speak instead of myself.

. . .

I got home and started making lunch. As I made my lunch, God gave me a new vision.

It's kinda funny to me.

It's of a big chili pot. Sitting.

That's all.

As I envisioned this chili pot, God reminded me:

When you make chili, you let it sit for hours.
You could eat it right away, and it would be okay.
But by letting it sit, and adding herbs and spices throughout, it gets to become a better dish.
And it tastes far more delicious in the end.

The same is for you Nadine.
Sit and wait.
Your time to be used will come.
I have plans for your life.

Rest and wait.
Rest and wait upon Me.
I'm still adding spices and herbs.
Rest and wait.

. . . 

So this is where I'm at.

For the first time, I'm excited to wait. I am legitimely excited for another season of apprenticeship.

That is not typical of me. Waiting is not typically my strong suit when it comes to my own life.

I want Jesus to keep readying me for His purpose.

Because His purpose is perfect, and is designed by Himself (aka WOW!!!).

Mine is flawed and designed by a girl who is a sinner.
I could be used now to lead. I probably wouldn't be terrible at it.
But now isn't the best time.

I want to live on God's timing because His timing is correct.

I want to be tasty chili.

. . .

If you're unsure about what apprenticeship is, it's basically something my church uses before someone leads a community group (which is just a fancy term for small group/Bible study - but with huge emphasis on missional living and a lot more other things). You get asked a lot of questions, paired with a set of leaders, and you learn from them. They speak into your life. It's great. It's beautiful. There's a lot more to it than what I shared here because it's also really hard - your sins are exposed and you have to be willing to let God radically change your life. There's even more than that, because in that exposing of sin, you also get to experience more grace than you thought possible. Whoa. There's even more, but this post is already too long.
Wanna know more - let's go for coffee.

Remain

There's a battle going on currently for me. It's not very difficult or hard - but it's evident and seems to be growing.


It's between who God's calling me to be and who I've been for a while.


See, I'm a social butterfly. The amount of times I've been called that is almost embarrassing.


Sometimes the statement confuses me because I lived most of my life (aka high school) feeling out of the in crowd.


I grew up feeling as though I had to fight to fit in.


My heart grew harder and harder. But instead of pushing people away, I would continually invite them in. I would trust people and forgive endlessly, but not as a demonstration of my love for Christ. Simply as a means to survive and come off as a good Christian. If I left room for people to hurt me and expected them to, then I somehow wouldn't be as hurt when they succeeded my expectations.


I graduated high school and went overseas. It was one of the first times where I felt as though I could be cared for who I was. However people always came and left given the short-term missions nature.


Fast forward to moving to Vancouver a couple years ago. It took me a couple months to feel comfortable being in church again after spending a season fulfilling my selfishness and not living for Jesus. Eventually though, church started to feel like the home again. (Now church is my favourite place to be. There's no where I would rather be than surrounded by my church community learning and growing together)


I got involved. I started making friends. And every few months or so, I would find new friends. It was a safeguard and it worked. Before they could hurt me, I would just walk away. I would keep in touch and hang out occasionally but mostly I would just try to protect myself by running away. I said it worked right? Yep. Cause it did. I protected my bruised heart.


Up until recently, I haven't thought much of it. It just seemed natural.


But recently, God's been doing some work on my bruised heart.


He's been whispering things like,


I know you're ready to run, but you're not allowed to this time.
You need to tell them about your fear.
Trust in Me. I'm with you in this.
It will be hard to stay, but fleeing needs to stop.
This time you're going to remain. 


A few months ago, I met a cool group of people. It came at a time when I was really hurting. Some situations were causing me to struggle and to be honest, I was fleeing my last set of friends. Not because they had done anything to hurt me, but to ensure that I would save them the trouble of needing to hurt me.


This past week, I hit the three month point.


I'm the queen of three months. I can be excited about something for rarely more than three months. If you look back at almost any season I've ever walked through, you'll see a pattern. Three months in things always being to need a change.


I'm three months into this group of friends. Eek.


Everything in me is telling me to flee. Everything in me is so scared to remain.


Because before I went to the church I'm in now and actually loved Jesus, people always failed me and Jesus wasn't that real to me.


People will always fail us because we're all sinners in need of a Saviour. God will always sustain us because He is that Saviour. That's how it works.


God is filled with love.


God replaces our fears with faith. He covers our scared souls with His gracious love.


I need more grace and He gives more. I think I've got enough and He gives even more. Praise Him!


Remain in Me. Only if You're willing to help me. Have I ever failed you yet?