Meandering Words

I've been thinking a lot about the post I wrote the other day on not being okay, and being okay with that.

It's got more feedback than normal on that post. I've had more friends comment about it, some messages, a few actual blog comments.

I know (and I pray) that God will use this blog through anything I post but it is definitely interesting to see which posts garner a lot of attention. This one on living a life of pages got the most I've ever seen around these parts of the blog world. This one here on living a life that doesn't "do it all myself" also hit home for people.

And then there's this one. After I wrote it, God and I wrestled. Or at least we sort of did. It wasn't physical quite like Jacob's battle, but it was physical in the sense that Jesus won. I'd written that post with a bit of honesty mixed with some embellishment. I hadn't yet found comfort. I wanted it, and I knew God would bring it, but I hadn't actually surrendered my issues to Him quite yet. I went to bed that night and I yelled at Him. I cried. I wept. I hurt. And then I surrendered. It hurt. It was hard. But that's sanctification. 

In the morning, I tentatively asked my roommate if she'd heard me the night before. Nope. Oh good. . . I don't quite know how she didn't hear me. I'll give that miracle credit to Jesus.

I want to write with purpose. I desire to share what God is doing, because God is doing stuff. I see it in my life, I see it in the lives of those around me. I watch it happen in a lot of the blogs I read. People being honest about who Jesus is, what they struggle with, and how much they need Him.

I posted something a bit ago. It's actually one of my favourite pieces I've written in a while. I think it's because a lot of the words are copyrighted to Jesus. It was on prayer. Have you read it? It makes me excited when I re-read the post.  I know this might sound odd, or like pride, but trust me, being excited about sometime God put on your tongue keyboard isn't always pride. Sometimes it's joy: the kind of joy that for me only arrives when I lean on the Holy Spirit instead of myself. 

As I drove home Monday night, I was praying about something, and I just told Jesus how cool it is that I can trust Him with it. I can trust Him because He is God and He knows all things. He works all things for His glory, so I can rest easy (I feel like I say that a lot - that I can let go of control because He is in control, that I can have faith because He is God, etc.). That's hugely comforting. I hope you know Jesus. I really do. I hope you love Him with your whole heart. That you live out the Gospel and that you're a Christian who shows your faith in actions, words, and truth.

I need to become okay with the fact that not all my words will bring in views. I'm not always okay with it (because this girl has huge pride issues and lack of confidence issues and overabundance in fear issues) but I am loved by the King of kings. That helps ease all issues something fierce.

Pride is overcome when I confess it as sin, repent of that sin, and replace it by giving all praise to Jesus.

Lack of confidence is overcome when I confess it as sin, repent of that sin, and rest in the fact that my confidence is in Christ.

Fear is overcome when I confess it as sin, repent of that sin, and replace it with faith and love.

Rest and Wait

When I moved to Vancouver, after finding my sea (Jesus) legs, I dove into church. I dove into serving and learning, and completely gave myself back to Christ.

I decided that I would make an excellent community group leader.

So I told people that I wanted to lead. That I was capable and ready.

They told me to wait.

I waited.

I met with a pastor and discussed the options. This was about 8ish months later. This time my heart was a bit better. I still felt capable and ready, but I was willing to go through the apprenticeship process.

Note for you, in case you think I sound like an arrogant something - my heart was sinful. I desired power and wanted to lead people to Christ through me. 

He told me that I needed to wait. He set me up with a great couple who I mini-apprenticed with.

I didn't want to apprentice. I wanted to lead. But I decided that if I had to apprentice to lead, I would do so.

I started meeting with the lady leader in the group and we discussed life. We would hang out and be intentional about conversation. It was great. But my heart was still quite silly and deceitful.

They moved away to an exciting life adventure and I met with the pastor again.

You need to wait. You need to have a real apprenticeship now.

Okay. So I did. This past fall, I started apprentesing.

It was sweet. It started at a perfect time because the day before we first met, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. That led to some of the biggest work God's ever done on my heart thus far.

. . .

Sometimes I feel weird writing and talking about how God's done work in my life, as if either I think I'm great now, or that somehow my words will come off as arrogant.

I hope though, that through what I write and share, that I demonstrate a need for Jesus that grows each day and not the opposite which would be needing Jesus less. That'd be gross and stupid of me to ever think that.

Anyways, Jesus changes hearts. We shouldn't be ashamed of mentioning (aka talking often) about the fact that we once were buried in sin with no option out and with no chance for salvation, that God saved us on His accord (by grace He allowed us to have faith), and that we still sin and need Jesus. I still sin, daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every second. Jesus saves me constantly. He is my redeemer, my refuge, my grace, and my hope. 

. . .

So. I started apprenticing. I started learning. I started being faithful to the plan that my church had decided was correct. I started reading my Bible more, praying more, and made more diligent efforts to live out the things I professed and believed.

Cue December. I met with that same pastor again. I shared that I felt more ready than ever, and that God had changed my heart (because I felt He had) and that it wasn't about myself anymore.

The conversation was epic. Mostly because Jesus used the pastor to speak hugely into my heart. Through discussion and me being honest about things, I realized that there were huge sin issues deep inside my heart. Sin issues that related back to bullying from elementary school, having a hugely judgmental perspective in high school, and not holding people accountable for being bad friends just so that they would like me. My fear of man, my pride issues, and my insecurities - they all were exposed for what they were - sin.

My heart was shocked. I remember sobbing in that meeting, not because I was angry that I'd been exposed, but because no one had ever told me those things. No one ever mentioned that the way I lived my life was actually showing sin issues that I wasn't working on.

He got me to stay as an apprentice for another season. I gladly accepted. In fact, I feel as though I stepped back from leading in many ways.

God spoke to my heart. He told me to be quiet more than I spoke (which was hard because I love talking). He told me to listen for more than words (which was hard because did I mention I love talking). He told me to sit in scripture for a lot more time than I did then (which was hard because if you've read my blog for awhile, you know that getting into the Bible routinely is one of my biggest struggles).

There were a lot of things God started speaking to my heart. None were easy, and all took away things I cared for. All of them however, were essential to living a life that is for Jesus.

When I say that God took away things I cared for, I mean that God gave me grace. He showed me that I had to stop being selfish in certain areas, to start using self-control, and many other things. He took away the sinful things I was holding to. I'm so thankful. 

Over the past two or so months, my heart legitimately has changed.

I say that with the hope that in another season, I'll look back and see a lot more change - in a good way.
 
So now what - what about leading a group? I'd still like to, and I'm totally willing. I'm excited if the opportunity arises. But I'm not quite so sure about when that will be. It might be the fall (just kidding, it won't be - more on that in a minute), next spring, the fall after, or five years down the road.

More so then when, I also don't know what my group will look like. I had a vision up until December of what my group would be like, and mostly the vision was Nadine gets to lead and talk about Jesus and be in charge.

I don't have a vision anymore.

If I've learnt anything in the past couple years, it's that I can't close my fist around anything. My spiritual hands have to be open. I need to keep my heart in a posture of worship toward Jesus.

. . .

Today I met with a pastor about what the fall looks like. I was honest about the fact that I'm unsure if, when, how, why, etc., God has a group for me. I'm just unsure now.

Guess what?

I get to wait longer.

And I'm so excited.

I think it's because I went into this meeting with open hands rather than grasping ones.

I went into this meeting ready to listen to Jesus speak instead of myself.

. . .

I got home and started making lunch. As I made my lunch, God gave me a new vision.

It's kinda funny to me.

It's of a big chili pot. Sitting.

That's all.

As I envisioned this chili pot, God reminded me:

When you make chili, you let it sit for hours.
You could eat it right away, and it would be okay.
But by letting it sit, and adding herbs and spices throughout, it gets to become a better dish.
And it tastes far more delicious in the end.

The same is for you Nadine.
Sit and wait.
Your time to be used will come.
I have plans for your life.

Rest and wait.
Rest and wait upon Me.
I'm still adding spices and herbs.
Rest and wait.

. . . 

So this is where I'm at.

For the first time, I'm excited to wait. I am legitimely excited for another season of apprenticeship.

That is not typical of me. Waiting is not typically my strong suit when it comes to my own life.

I want Jesus to keep readying me for His purpose.

Because His purpose is perfect, and is designed by Himself (aka WOW!!!).

Mine is flawed and designed by a girl who is a sinner.
I could be used now to lead. I probably wouldn't be terrible at it.
But now isn't the best time.

I want to live on God's timing because His timing is correct.

I want to be tasty chili.

. . .

If you're unsure about what apprenticeship is, it's basically something my church uses before someone leads a community group (which is just a fancy term for small group/Bible study - but with huge emphasis on missional living and a lot more other things). You get asked a lot of questions, paired with a set of leaders, and you learn from them. They speak into your life. It's great. It's beautiful. There's a lot more to it than what I shared here because it's also really hard - your sins are exposed and you have to be willing to let God radically change your life. There's even more than that, because in that exposing of sin, you also get to experience more grace than you thought possible. Whoa. There's even more, but this post is already too long.
Wanna know more - let's go for coffee.

And I Wonder?

God's been doing a little stirring in my heart lately.

I've mentioned it here a bit, and I've chatted with some friends about it a bit, but mostly I've just kind of sat before Him and asked:

Really? Really? Seriously? This is what You would have me do? You want me to blog more? To change the name, and layout and have features and silly things like that?

'Cause You know my deceitful heart and my desperate desire for praise and the pride issues that plague me every minute. You know them, and You hear my cries for forgiviness each day, and You forgive me each day and You are amazing.

But seriously - God. Are You sure? 

Then I sit back and I let Him speak.

The other day He reminded me that I (Nadine) am not God. He is God.

That was helpful. It was. I think I had forgotten or something.

. . .

But can I be honest for a second? Well, I'm always honest here (or mostly - as often as I can be).

Blogging freaks me out.

. . .

I was messaging someone last week about these struggles of anxiety I've been floating through and and I replied to some encouragement from them with a text that said

"sinful and useless" (speaking of myself)

to which they replied with truth that led me to Jesus.

"redeemed" and "fruitful"
That's your identity. Don't forget it.

So today, I'm going to attempt to rest in the knowledge that my identity is in Christ, that I am redeemed, and fruitful.

And though I'm still not sure why He's using me, and I wonder at why people read this thing - I'll rest assured that He knows.

Worshipful Heart

Worship is many things. It's loving Jesus. It is not confined in music, but I love when I get an opportunity to lead others in musical worship. It's such an honour.

It's an honour and it's humbling to serve on a worship team. It's the most fun ever and also carries different weights which also makes it hard to do.

I don't know how to explain it. I wrote this entire post and came back to this part because I don't know how to explain the weight of it. I can never quite understand how worship can be such a mix of extreme joy and yet deep sorrow for me. I think it's partially because I see Jesus working and I see people reject Him all within the span of six songs. Jesus does the saving - so I can rest and trust His timing for the salvation of souls.

Time after time, God consistently speaks to my soul as I worship through song. I think He knows that I need Him to speak to me through melody and harmony. He lets me get lost in the words and sounds and then He speaks to me. Sometimes it'll come during the oddest lines in the songs.

Today it was during a line speaking about ambitions when Jesus just challenged me to rest and trust Him to move in an area where I've been grasping for control. It's time to seek Him alone.

There's other moments, and these ones are harder to do as a worship leader, when He tells me to stop singing and to pray. But Lord I'm supposed to sing right now but Nadine you're going to pray to me. Okay. 

It's amazing to see Him evidence Himself through those prayers.

God is so cool in music to me. There was one point today when I was playing a sweet song and just loving it, and was just lost in His Spirit. I love that He allows me, and those who call upon His name, to experience moments where the Holy Spirit is just so big and loud and huge and evident and amazing.

I pray that everyone knows His Spirit. I really do. I hate that there are so many who do not know His love. It hurts my soul that there are people walking all over this earth without the love of Jesus in them. 

I glanced at the Holy Spirit during that song and whispered, "God, you're so cool".

It's the coolest thing to get to watch people who love Jesus walk forward and receive Him each Sunday. It's beautiful to watch broken people suddenly find hope and those who feel sorrow suddenly experience joy.

God is so cool. I'm so grateful He lets this silly girl play any type of role in His kingdom. I'm not quite sure why He uses me - except that it gives Him glory. A good God using a desperately awful girl like me shows that He can do all things (or at least that's what I think about it).

This girl loves Jesus. I'm glad He loves me as well. It makes everything so much better.