Moving Forward

I'm taking a bit of a break from "Thursday - Thanks!" today.

Part of me thinks that I should just scribble down a list of things I'm thankful for - for the sake of blogging consistency.

But a bigger part of me thinks that is crap. For the sake of blogging authenticity, I'm just going to share some words I wrote weeks ago but never hit publish here on the blog.

. . . 

Sometimes I look back on situation that in the moment felt as though God was taking away something that I wanted. Or other times when I desired to do one thing and it felt as though God wouldn't let me do what I desired. Almost without fail I look back and see that God took me out of something and placed me in something which gave (and gives) Him more glory, or that He forced me to move out of one thing into something new so that I would know Him more. It makes moving forward a lot easier.

. . . 

That's all.

There's so much to come that I'm so unsure of and yet so confident in because Christ is with me.

I really am thankful for much. I'm grateful and blessed, overwhelmed by grace and so many things that are good and from God. I just don't need to make a list today. 


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Rest and Wait

When I moved to Vancouver, after finding my sea (Jesus) legs, I dove into church. I dove into serving and learning, and completely gave myself back to Christ.

I decided that I would make an excellent community group leader.

So I told people that I wanted to lead. That I was capable and ready.

They told me to wait.

I waited.

I met with a pastor and discussed the options. This was about 8ish months later. This time my heart was a bit better. I still felt capable and ready, but I was willing to go through the apprenticeship process.

Note for you, in case you think I sound like an arrogant something - my heart was sinful. I desired power and wanted to lead people to Christ through me. 

He told me that I needed to wait. He set me up with a great couple who I mini-apprenticed with.

I didn't want to apprentice. I wanted to lead. But I decided that if I had to apprentice to lead, I would do so.

I started meeting with the lady leader in the group and we discussed life. We would hang out and be intentional about conversation. It was great. But my heart was still quite silly and deceitful.

They moved away to an exciting life adventure and I met with the pastor again.

You need to wait. You need to have a real apprenticeship now.

Okay. So I did. This past fall, I started apprentesing.

It was sweet. It started at a perfect time because the day before we first met, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me. That led to some of the biggest work God's ever done on my heart thus far.

. . .

Sometimes I feel weird writing and talking about how God's done work in my life, as if either I think I'm great now, or that somehow my words will come off as arrogant.

I hope though, that through what I write and share, that I demonstrate a need for Jesus that grows each day and not the opposite which would be needing Jesus less. That'd be gross and stupid of me to ever think that.

Anyways, Jesus changes hearts. We shouldn't be ashamed of mentioning (aka talking often) about the fact that we once were buried in sin with no option out and with no chance for salvation, that God saved us on His accord (by grace He allowed us to have faith), and that we still sin and need Jesus. I still sin, daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes every second. Jesus saves me constantly. He is my redeemer, my refuge, my grace, and my hope. 

. . .

So. I started apprenticing. I started learning. I started being faithful to the plan that my church had decided was correct. I started reading my Bible more, praying more, and made more diligent efforts to live out the things I professed and believed.

Cue December. I met with that same pastor again. I shared that I felt more ready than ever, and that God had changed my heart (because I felt He had) and that it wasn't about myself anymore.

The conversation was epic. Mostly because Jesus used the pastor to speak hugely into my heart. Through discussion and me being honest about things, I realized that there were huge sin issues deep inside my heart. Sin issues that related back to bullying from elementary school, having a hugely judgmental perspective in high school, and not holding people accountable for being bad friends just so that they would like me. My fear of man, my pride issues, and my insecurities - they all were exposed for what they were - sin.

My heart was shocked. I remember sobbing in that meeting, not because I was angry that I'd been exposed, but because no one had ever told me those things. No one ever mentioned that the way I lived my life was actually showing sin issues that I wasn't working on.

He got me to stay as an apprentice for another season. I gladly accepted. In fact, I feel as though I stepped back from leading in many ways.

God spoke to my heart. He told me to be quiet more than I spoke (which was hard because I love talking). He told me to listen for more than words (which was hard because did I mention I love talking). He told me to sit in scripture for a lot more time than I did then (which was hard because if you've read my blog for awhile, you know that getting into the Bible routinely is one of my biggest struggles).

There were a lot of things God started speaking to my heart. None were easy, and all took away things I cared for. All of them however, were essential to living a life that is for Jesus.

When I say that God took away things I cared for, I mean that God gave me grace. He showed me that I had to stop being selfish in certain areas, to start using self-control, and many other things. He took away the sinful things I was holding to. I'm so thankful. 

Over the past two or so months, my heart legitimately has changed.

I say that with the hope that in another season, I'll look back and see a lot more change - in a good way.
 
So now what - what about leading a group? I'd still like to, and I'm totally willing. I'm excited if the opportunity arises. But I'm not quite so sure about when that will be. It might be the fall (just kidding, it won't be - more on that in a minute), next spring, the fall after, or five years down the road.

More so then when, I also don't know what my group will look like. I had a vision up until December of what my group would be like, and mostly the vision was Nadine gets to lead and talk about Jesus and be in charge.

I don't have a vision anymore.

If I've learnt anything in the past couple years, it's that I can't close my fist around anything. My spiritual hands have to be open. I need to keep my heart in a posture of worship toward Jesus.

. . .

Today I met with a pastor about what the fall looks like. I was honest about the fact that I'm unsure if, when, how, why, etc., God has a group for me. I'm just unsure now.

Guess what?

I get to wait longer.

And I'm so excited.

I think it's because I went into this meeting with open hands rather than grasping ones.

I went into this meeting ready to listen to Jesus speak instead of myself.

. . .

I got home and started making lunch. As I made my lunch, God gave me a new vision.

It's kinda funny to me.

It's of a big chili pot. Sitting.

That's all.

As I envisioned this chili pot, God reminded me:

When you make chili, you let it sit for hours.
You could eat it right away, and it would be okay.
But by letting it sit, and adding herbs and spices throughout, it gets to become a better dish.
And it tastes far more delicious in the end.

The same is for you Nadine.
Sit and wait.
Your time to be used will come.
I have plans for your life.

Rest and wait.
Rest and wait upon Me.
I'm still adding spices and herbs.
Rest and wait.

. . . 

So this is where I'm at.

For the first time, I'm excited to wait. I am legitimely excited for another season of apprenticeship.

That is not typical of me. Waiting is not typically my strong suit when it comes to my own life.

I want Jesus to keep readying me for His purpose.

Because His purpose is perfect, and is designed by Himself (aka WOW!!!).

Mine is flawed and designed by a girl who is a sinner.
I could be used now to lead. I probably wouldn't be terrible at it.
But now isn't the best time.

I want to live on God's timing because His timing is correct.

I want to be tasty chili.

. . .

If you're unsure about what apprenticeship is, it's basically something my church uses before someone leads a community group (which is just a fancy term for small group/Bible study - but with huge emphasis on missional living and a lot more other things). You get asked a lot of questions, paired with a set of leaders, and you learn from them. They speak into your life. It's great. It's beautiful. There's a lot more to it than what I shared here because it's also really hard - your sins are exposed and you have to be willing to let God radically change your life. There's even more than that, because in that exposing of sin, you also get to experience more grace than you thought possible. Whoa. There's even more, but this post is already too long.
Wanna know more - let's go for coffee.

Worshipful Heart

Worship is many things. It's loving Jesus. It is not confined in music, but I love when I get an opportunity to lead others in musical worship. It's such an honour.

It's an honour and it's humbling to serve on a worship team. It's the most fun ever and also carries different weights which also makes it hard to do.

I don't know how to explain it. I wrote this entire post and came back to this part because I don't know how to explain the weight of it. I can never quite understand how worship can be such a mix of extreme joy and yet deep sorrow for me. I think it's partially because I see Jesus working and I see people reject Him all within the span of six songs. Jesus does the saving - so I can rest and trust His timing for the salvation of souls.

Time after time, God consistently speaks to my soul as I worship through song. I think He knows that I need Him to speak to me through melody and harmony. He lets me get lost in the words and sounds and then He speaks to me. Sometimes it'll come during the oddest lines in the songs.

Today it was during a line speaking about ambitions when Jesus just challenged me to rest and trust Him to move in an area where I've been grasping for control. It's time to seek Him alone.

There's other moments, and these ones are harder to do as a worship leader, when He tells me to stop singing and to pray. But Lord I'm supposed to sing right now but Nadine you're going to pray to me. Okay. 

It's amazing to see Him evidence Himself through those prayers.

God is so cool in music to me. There was one point today when I was playing a sweet song and just loving it, and was just lost in His Spirit. I love that He allows me, and those who call upon His name, to experience moments where the Holy Spirit is just so big and loud and huge and evident and amazing.

I pray that everyone knows His Spirit. I really do. I hate that there are so many who do not know His love. It hurts my soul that there are people walking all over this earth without the love of Jesus in them. 

I glanced at the Holy Spirit during that song and whispered, "God, you're so cool".

It's the coolest thing to get to watch people who love Jesus walk forward and receive Him each Sunday. It's beautiful to watch broken people suddenly find hope and those who feel sorrow suddenly experience joy.

God is so cool. I'm so grateful He lets this silly girl play any type of role in His kingdom. I'm not quite sure why He uses me - except that it gives Him glory. A good God using a desperately awful girl like me shows that He can do all things (or at least that's what I think about it).

This girl loves Jesus. I'm glad He loves me as well. It makes everything so much better.

Hearts of Sugar

I'm a summer intern yo! And a part of the power team. My fellow intern and I named ourselves that, though to be fair I'd pretty sure it was my idea - I'm all about team names and motivation!

Part of my role at the non-profit I'm working for has to do with cooking meals. Let me tell you something - I'm a pretty good cook. Nothing incredible, but I can get a meal on a table and I find joy in it. I'm not scared to try making new things and I've got good understanding of the basics. Do you smell pride? No? Yeah, neither did I until suddenly I did.

And apparently so did God. After my two posts the other day about how great things were with God mid-day and then how crap to the p things were that night and after one of the most vicious prayers of my life, God felt it necessary to do some more work.

When I say one of the most vicious prayers of my life, I mean that I was honest with Jesus. It's rare that I get to the hair pulling, tears raging, heart pounding, hitting the wall in anger point of prayer. Last night, after writing the blog about comfort, I allowed myself to leave that comfort. Not in a sinful way, but in a broken and hurt and honest way. I laid things out with Him. I kind of felt like I was wrestling with God but not for control. I needed Him to take control of the issues. 
I woke up refreshed and ready to walk forward without the issues I'd been letting drag me down.

Please read at least a little bit of humility in this (referring back to my statement about smelling pride). Sin can't stay hidden. Hidden sin grows and blossoms. Sin should never be blossoming. It should be trampled and ripped out for the weed it is. Exposed sin may still occur, but it won't occur silently anymore. People need to know - not in a "LOOK AT HOW MUCH I SIN" way that attracts attention to our issues, but in a "I sin and need Jesus to help me live out grace" way that points people to Jesus.

.

Anyways, like my post the other morning mentioned, God doesn't see fit for my growing season to be done. Growing should translate to being chopped down daily by grace - and in the most beautiful way.

.

So the other morning I worked. I got to work at 9 and started preparing breakfast for the people I needed to. I kept it basic - bacon and eggs. Is there anyone capable of ruining those things? Hm . . . apparently a girl needing to deal with her pride and fear issues.
The bacon - I put those meaty particles in the oven, which on any other day would have been the best idea. Put the oven to 350 and keep the bacon in for about 20 minutes. The bacon should taste delicious. Any other day. Any.

The eggs- I cracked the eggs, I whisked them together, I put them on the stove in the skillet. I cooked them, all was well. I added some peppers. All was well. I added some meat, and even still, all was well. All of it - it was well. I decided, hm, this needs some flavour and opened the cupboards. I'm not too familiar with where things are quite yet so I decided to just use the seasoning salt since it was the closest spice to me.

Picture this.

Seasoning salt held over eggs, a light shake where very little comes out. Hm, I should probably add some more. A bigger shake and BAM!!!!!!!!!!!, the cover comes falling off and the entire container of seasoning salt falls into the skillet.

I laugh (and died a little bit inside).

Because that's what I do. It's a daily choice where I choose laughter over tears. Sometimes I fail at that, or sometimes I choose anger, but for the most part, God's been working on softening my heart to a point of much laughter.

I start taking the seasoning salt off. The top pile comes off, but I realize quickly that this seasoning has quickly made itself quite comfortable and well acquainted with the dish. Thanks for that seasoning salt. Thanks a lot.

I don't panic, but I want to.

Mostly because I'm frustrated that breakfast is ruined.

And even more mostly because I just started this job and really really really really want them to like me. (Did you just smell some fear of man? Oh yeah, God's working on that too - don't worry)

I could write the details of what all occurred next, but let's just cut to the chase.

We ate bagels.

Because while I was dealing with the disaster, the bacon became overcooked.

It was a great morning.

I went for a little walk after breakfast in order to grab a coffee and to ask Jesus why it had to happen.

Nadine, you wanted them to love you based off of a dish. That's not why I love you, and that's not where you find your purpose. You find your purpose in your love for Me. My love for you is enough.

Live out your love for me. Bake and cook and clean to My glory, not yours.

Okay fine.

.

Just so you know, I just spent that evening making a very very very very delicious batch of chocolate chip cookies. 

I even used my new heart shaped measuring cups. Because when I bake, I bake not only from the heart, but with the heart(s).

These cookies were an act of joy - not an act to gain joy.

I'm doomed for disaster until grace overtakes me.

Life of Pages

This morning, I was chatting with a friend who lives hours and hours away. Does anyone else just get blown away by technology sometimes? Like - think about a telephone. Wow. Praise God!

Anyways, we were talking about our lives. And I was talking about the whirlwind my summer job situation has been. I have one starting tomorrow, but it really took a lot of time, prayer, patience and trust to get to this point.

I said a line at one point that made me want to come here today and write about it.

Sometimes I stress about things and God says, “why are you worrying about that - just wait a couple pages. I’ve got your whole book up here”.

God’s perspective is beautiful and huge and HUGE and HUGE and HUGE! I needed to write that a few times to just really emphasize His vast presence. God knows what is going on. He know the behind the scenes, around of the scenes, and the hundred thousand years from now scenes.

The places I’m in, the experiences I’m going through, the good and the bad, it’s all just a page. God’s got my whole book in His hands. It’s pretty inspiring and heart warming (and to be honest, super overwhelming) to think about it.

God is huge and wonderful and big and perfect.

So today I’m choosing to trust in His plan.

My plan, in comparison, really is the worst.

My plan consists of today, a little bit of tomorrow, and fake days after that.

God’s plan consists of yesterday, today, and forever. Wowzas.

I live a life of pages. God's font, writing, and spacing.