Dry

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

   

(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV)

I've not recently faced a dry season in my faith.

I've been blessed by a long, beautiful (and incredibly challenging and stretching) season of really feeling God work, speaking to and with Him often, and leaning fully (or at least increasingly) on Him as my faith has grown.

Suddenly things have changed.

    Give ear to my prayer, O God,
        and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
    Attend to me, and answer me;
        I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
    because of the noise of the enemy,
        because of the oppression of the wicked.
    For they drop trouble upon me,
        and in anger they bear a grudge against me.
(Psalm 55:1-3 ESV)

It's been a casual shift over the past couple weeks and I've noticed things in myself that I don't love.

I'm praying less.

Well, that's not true. I'm praying often, but mostly through gritted teeth or with a raised voice.

Before the past few weeks, I'd never yelled at God.
I've petitioned to Him often - for myself, for others, for things, for events, for Him to work.
This anger at Him thing, that's new.

I'm reading my Bible consistently.

And consistently struggling to see Jesus.

I'm questioning everything.

Is God real?

Does God have power?

Can I trust God? . . . Do I trust God?

Why do I believe?

What do I believe?

    My heart is in anguish within me;
        the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
    Fear and trembling come upon me,
        and horror overwhelms me.
    And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
        I would fly away and be at rest;
(Psalm 55:4-6 ESV)

It's leading me to wonder what God is doing in this.

How does me questioning, struggling, wrestling, hurting, and sorrowing bringing God glory?

What in this is beneficial and building?

As I went for a walk tonight on a break between reading chapters for school I was considering how dry spells happen.

While they might be forecasted in the weather, they're typically unexpected, unplanned, unliked, and unstoppable.

They come when they want.

They make a difference on the area.

They last as long as they last (as if the area doesn't know when the dry spell will end).

Dry spells cause struggle.

They cause reliance on what is available.

They promote trust in leadership to provide sustenance for the general public.

They're hard. really really really hard

They feel long, whether or not they actually are.

They seem pointless.

And they end.

Eventually.

I trust Jesus in this.

It's hard.
So hard that a couple weeks ago I told Him that I don't trust Him.

I'd never said that to Him before.
Similar to being angry and yelling at Him, these emotions are new.
They're not common for me.

Faith has always been easy for me. So much so that I considered it a gift from God - the fact that I could unquestionably hope in Him.
 

He's been working hard to show me that He is faithful.

He's ingrained truth into my heart so deep that I can't walk away from God.

I considered it the other night.

God, I'd kind of like to be done with you - but I'm not.

Because I know that You are God.

I know that You are good.

I know that You are powerful.

I know that You are faithful.
I know that I love you, even though it's not a natural emotion today.
As much as I want to walk away from this thing called Christianity I will not because I believe in You.

 

I know that God is love.

I don't feel Him.

But I do know that He is love.

If you're a praying to Jesus person, you're welcome to pray for me in this season.

It's not fun.
I don't like it.

In fact, I hate it greatly.

I'm praying into it every single day.
I'm reading my Bible every single day.
I'm being counseled by women who love Jesus often.

Jesus needs to redeem my soul.
He already has.
HE is the one to do it though - not me.

It's actually more frustrating than anything to be in this season because I know the truth of who God is and I believe it all the way to my heart of hearts.

So questioning is hard because I already know the answer.

    But I call to God,
        and the LORD will save me.
    Evening and morning and at noon
        I utter my complaint and moan,
        and he hears my voice.
    He redeems my soul in safety
        from the battle that I wage,
        for many are arrayed against me.
(Psalm 55:16-18 ESV)

I just have to wait for the rain.

And drink whatever water He provides in the meantime.

    Cast your burden on the LORD,
        and he will sustain you;
    he will never permit
        the righteous to be moved.
(Psalm 55:22 ESV)

I think to Ezekiel and ask Jesus to renew these dry bones that are making up my soul and to fill them with His breathe of life.

    Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the LORD.”
(Ezekiel 37:11-14 ESV)

A Peaceful Answer

I wrote this paragraph months ago:

"I keep having to re-throne the Lord. Because every time I get hit with a wave, I realize how much more of Jesus I need. I realize how broken I am, not only because of all that has happened, but also because my sin is great. Yet my Maker is greater. His faithfulness is more endless than the horizon seems to stretch, and his love is unending."

The words are still true.

While what I wrote it about then is different now, the words still ring true. I'm still constantly, momentarily, daily, every other second, each hour, each time I forget - always having to re-throne Jesus.

I chatted with a pastor about a month ago about the anxiety that I had been struggling with at the time. Before he prayed for me, he reminded me of the sin that is linked with fear and with trying to take control. He encouraged me to repent of those sins and walk in the freedom that would come from that. Isn't that cool?

He reminded me that how often, as Christians, especially those who have been Christians for years, we have an easy tendency to be able to spot sin super well but often fail to confess them, repent of them, and turn from them.

. . .

I wrote these words as a draft about a month or so ago, months after reading that first paragraph. I pulled them out recently as I was doing a draft folder check to see if I'd written anything worth posting. I often write little notes down and save them for later. When I open them later, if they still ring true and seem to have a story to share I'll write more. Typically I read them and wonder what I was thinking that day and immediately hit delete.

As I read these words above I realized that God has so abundantly answered that prayer with peace. As soon as I repented and realized that my worry, fear, and consistent grasp for control was sin and needed to end, God granted immediate forgiveness, and day by day, those areas where I was living in worry and fear have ceased.  

He's provided refuge from that storm.

Praise Him!

God is faithful. 

Learning to Walk

The other night I sat with two friends who have known me for years. Once since elementary school and the other since high school (though we also spent a week at summer camp together when we were young pups). I'd say for the three of us, we've become better friends since high school. We've had our adventures world traveling and summer camp living. We've been through much together whether together or apart.

We chatted about our adventures of late, summer jobs, the good and the bad, our faiths, our hearts, our families, our homes, our surroundings, and so much more.

It was amazing to sit with two girls who have known me for so long. We've walked much of life together, though nowadays we sometimes go months between hangouts. But there is something incredible about the fact that we can still have so much to talk about.

As we were talking about our faiths, we reflected much just on how God is still so fresh - and how we're still just barely learning how to walk. We all grew up in Jesus loving homes and yet sometimes (aka always) it's just like we've barely cracked the surface of who God is and what He's calling us to do with our days.

It was a fun night to share life together. It was totally spur of the moment (they were going to a concert that got cancelled) and was far too short and yet just right!

As we were saying goodbye, one shared that is seems as though I have a really great and solid group of people around me here in Vancouver. I answered in the affirmative:

"I do. For the first time in my life I feel as though I have friends who love me for me and not out of a sense of obligation"

My friend blessed my heart so much as she shared that she has never liked me out of obligation or because she felt sorry for me.

. . .

Sometimes I really wish I could go back to myself years ago and just do a combination hug and slap in the face! I was so unsure about myself and I wish I could go back and have confidence. I wish I had given people more credit. I honestly didn't believe people cared for me, and if they did, I figured they were probably lying (if not intentionally, simply to themselves).

Recently I was at my parents place and I read an old journal. I'll be sharing a bit of what happened then soon. I'm not sure when because it feels a bit like a flesh wound. As in I'm bleeding and broken and yet also completely fine.

Vulnerability mixed with boldness. Story of my life.

Friday diy

I met with a lovely friend over coffee yesterday.

I shared the things I'm going through.

She spoke a lot of truth into my heart.

Something along the lines of:

Are you trying to fix yourself?

Made me realize something yesterday - something I've known for years but apparently forgot as of late.

Grace is not a DIY project. It's not a DO IT YOURSELF thing. In fact, it's nothing about "doing" or "self". It's about Jesus impacting our hearts. It's about Jesus taking our burdens and in His perfect time, working truth into our life so that we live in such a way that honours Him. Grace gives us what we don't deserve - salvation in Christ.

She reminded me that God loves who I am NOW not who I am once I fix everything.

I know that's so cliche. But lately God's bringing me back to the basics. Somewhere in the last few months, I got so caught up in the big stuff that I forgot about the core of my salvation.

That Jesus loves me.

Grace gets me every single stinking time.

This is what I picture when I think of myself trying to grace-ify myself:

Myself, holding a hammer, pushing nails into my head.

Useless.

Jesus does grace a far different way.

I'm oh so grateful.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

(2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV)

This is my version of "giving up on good". I'm giving up doing it myself, because I never get anywhere when I do it myself. I just end up in tears, emotional, falling-apart, or even worse - self righteous in my heart. Gross!

Jesus is taking over this project, and loving me all the way through until the end. The end being - eternity WITH HIM!

the Jesus Model

So did the blog title today make you wanna barf as much as I want to after writing it? Don't worry. This isn't a three hundred step guide to creating a Jesus. Or whatever else you thought it might be. It's just a conversation in print.


Last week I went for breakfast with a lovely friend Bethany. We enjoyed tasty benedicts, coffee, and conversation (a tasty conversation - yum)! We just recently started working together so it was fun to learn about where she's from and where she's going. It's always exciting to learn the passions of another and where God has placed their heartbeat.


We were talking about the ministry that we work in and the different joys and challenges that it brings. Oh non-profit life.


Do you ever have moments in conversation where you hear someones words and you realize that Jesus needs them to hear something? I call those Holy Spirit prompts. I love those moments. I'm also blown away by them because I'm not quite sure why God thinks I should be the one to share some truth.


Bethany was talking about the different people she models her life after and I just felt a little Holy Spirit prompt. I don't think I interupted her, because that would have been rude, but I did say something along the lines of,


We need to look to Jesus as our model because scripture shows us how it is we are meant to live in the life of Jesus. He served more than anyone. He cared for the poor and displaced more than anyone. He healed the broken, yet again, more than anyone. He also took time to rest. He got filled up and poured Himself out for everyone.


As I've been thinking about that conversation the past few days, I'm felt myself realize that there are a few people I need to stop modeling my life after.


I need to refocus my heart on Jesus and follow the Jesus model. It's not gross or cliche - it's true. Jesus is our model. We're called to be living in such a way that demonstrates our love for Him.


As much as there are many noble, honourable, and noteworthy people on earth, there is none like Jesus. He's the One! If we're looking anywhere but to Jesus as our model for how to live, we've largely missed the point of everything. He said "I AM the way".

Hearts of Sugar

I'm a summer intern yo! And a part of the power team. My fellow intern and I named ourselves that, though to be fair I'd pretty sure it was my idea - I'm all about team names and motivation!

Part of my role at the non-profit I'm working for has to do with cooking meals. Let me tell you something - I'm a pretty good cook. Nothing incredible, but I can get a meal on a table and I find joy in it. I'm not scared to try making new things and I've got good understanding of the basics. Do you smell pride? No? Yeah, neither did I until suddenly I did.

And apparently so did God. After my two posts the other day about how great things were with God mid-day and then how crap to the p things were that night and after one of the most vicious prayers of my life, God felt it necessary to do some more work.

When I say one of the most vicious prayers of my life, I mean that I was honest with Jesus. It's rare that I get to the hair pulling, tears raging, heart pounding, hitting the wall in anger point of prayer. Last night, after writing the blog about comfort, I allowed myself to leave that comfort. Not in a sinful way, but in a broken and hurt and honest way. I laid things out with Him. I kind of felt like I was wrestling with God but not for control. I needed Him to take control of the issues. 
I woke up refreshed and ready to walk forward without the issues I'd been letting drag me down.

Please read at least a little bit of humility in this (referring back to my statement about smelling pride). Sin can't stay hidden. Hidden sin grows and blossoms. Sin should never be blossoming. It should be trampled and ripped out for the weed it is. Exposed sin may still occur, but it won't occur silently anymore. People need to know - not in a "LOOK AT HOW MUCH I SIN" way that attracts attention to our issues, but in a "I sin and need Jesus to help me live out grace" way that points people to Jesus.

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Anyways, like my post the other morning mentioned, God doesn't see fit for my growing season to be done. Growing should translate to being chopped down daily by grace - and in the most beautiful way.

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So the other morning I worked. I got to work at 9 and started preparing breakfast for the people I needed to. I kept it basic - bacon and eggs. Is there anyone capable of ruining those things? Hm . . . apparently a girl needing to deal with her pride and fear issues.
The bacon - I put those meaty particles in the oven, which on any other day would have been the best idea. Put the oven to 350 and keep the bacon in for about 20 minutes. The bacon should taste delicious. Any other day. Any.

The eggs- I cracked the eggs, I whisked them together, I put them on the stove in the skillet. I cooked them, all was well. I added some peppers. All was well. I added some meat, and even still, all was well. All of it - it was well. I decided, hm, this needs some flavour and opened the cupboards. I'm not too familiar with where things are quite yet so I decided to just use the seasoning salt since it was the closest spice to me.

Picture this.

Seasoning salt held over eggs, a light shake where very little comes out. Hm, I should probably add some more. A bigger shake and BAM!!!!!!!!!!!, the cover comes falling off and the entire container of seasoning salt falls into the skillet.

I laugh (and died a little bit inside).

Because that's what I do. It's a daily choice where I choose laughter over tears. Sometimes I fail at that, or sometimes I choose anger, but for the most part, God's been working on softening my heart to a point of much laughter.

I start taking the seasoning salt off. The top pile comes off, but I realize quickly that this seasoning has quickly made itself quite comfortable and well acquainted with the dish. Thanks for that seasoning salt. Thanks a lot.

I don't panic, but I want to.

Mostly because I'm frustrated that breakfast is ruined.

And even more mostly because I just started this job and really really really really want them to like me. (Did you just smell some fear of man? Oh yeah, God's working on that too - don't worry)

I could write the details of what all occurred next, but let's just cut to the chase.

We ate bagels.

Because while I was dealing with the disaster, the bacon became overcooked.

It was a great morning.

I went for a little walk after breakfast in order to grab a coffee and to ask Jesus why it had to happen.

Nadine, you wanted them to love you based off of a dish. That's not why I love you, and that's not where you find your purpose. You find your purpose in your love for Me. My love for you is enough.

Live out your love for me. Bake and cook and clean to My glory, not yours.

Okay fine.

.

Just so you know, I just spent that evening making a very very very very delicious batch of chocolate chip cookies. 

I even used my new heart shaped measuring cups. Because when I bake, I bake not only from the heart, but with the heart(s).

These cookies were an act of joy - not an act to gain joy.

I'm doomed for disaster until grace overtakes me.

(non) Grumpy Hearts

This morning's prayer:

Me: God, do you think we could go like, a few days or something without you teaching me something or revealing a new sin issue?

God: Um, maybe when that isn't your prayer anymore we can think about it.
 
Me: hm ... you're right. Wow, good job on convicting my heart even while I'm praying to you.


God: Yeah, I know. 

I keep waiting to be let out of this season of constant conviction, consistent need for change, and growing need for Jesus. Yet I also never want to be let out of this because I'll always need more Jesus, there are always sin issues that desperately need the transforming work of the Holy Spirit through grace, and I'm one hundred percent positive that God is never going to be done showing sweet conviction to my heart.

At my new job, there is a verse that sits (very strategically I think) above the dishes area.

It reads:

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. 
(Colossians 3:23)

That's my prayer for (most) everything right now.

That I would work willingly at whatever I do.

Because I am working for the Lord.

We're working for the Lord so let's do it without grumbling or complaining. (Do all things without grumbling or disputing - Philippians 2:14 ESV - it's in the Bible, so let's just go ahead and do all thing without grumpy hearts)

This morning as I did the dishes and looked at that verse, I had a verse float through my mind -

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.
(James 5:13 ESV)

Life is golden for me right now. I have a new job, new roommate, and lots of other good stuff going on. God's given me some freedom in areas where I was holding onto my chains. He's broken free a lot of stuff that had been shut in for far too long. I opened up to some friends about sin issues in my life, and that is always a good thing - hidden sin remains growing sin while exposed sin must be dealt with. Sweet conviction is covering my every move it seems - and that wasn't pride speaking, that was gratefulness for grace speaking.

So I'm cheerful.

Why am I joyful? Because I love Jesus.

So I'm going to sing some praise.

Life of Pages

This morning, I was chatting with a friend who lives hours and hours away. Does anyone else just get blown away by technology sometimes? Like - think about a telephone. Wow. Praise God!

Anyways, we were talking about our lives. And I was talking about the whirlwind my summer job situation has been. I have one starting tomorrow, but it really took a lot of time, prayer, patience and trust to get to this point.

I said a line at one point that made me want to come here today and write about it.

Sometimes I stress about things and God says, “why are you worrying about that - just wait a couple pages. I’ve got your whole book up here”.

God’s perspective is beautiful and huge and HUGE and HUGE and HUGE! I needed to write that a few times to just really emphasize His vast presence. God knows what is going on. He know the behind the scenes, around of the scenes, and the hundred thousand years from now scenes.

The places I’m in, the experiences I’m going through, the good and the bad, it’s all just a page. God’s got my whole book in His hands. It’s pretty inspiring and heart warming (and to be honest, super overwhelming) to think about it.

God is huge and wonderful and big and perfect.

So today I’m choosing to trust in His plan.

My plan, in comparison, really is the worst.

My plan consists of today, a little bit of tomorrow, and fake days after that.

God’s plan consists of yesterday, today, and forever. Wowzas.

I live a life of pages. God's font, writing, and spacing.

Scripturally Honest

Does anybody else really struggle to get into the Bible? 

After a few rough weeks (or months) of life, I'm realizing that the reason I'm feeling permanently overwhelmed is my limited amount of time spent with Jesus lately.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
        for I am lonely and afflicted.
    The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
        bring me out of my distresses.
    Consider my affliction and my trouble,
        and forgive all my sins.
(Psalm 25:16-18 ESV)

I love talking to God. Prayer is fun for me. I love discussing every aspect of my day with the Lord. I actually trust that when I ask Him to help me find a parking spot when I'm struggling to find one that He will, and that when I ask Him to help me find a few more dollars to make something work, that He will. I also trust that if He doesn't, I probably need to walk a few extra blocks or go without. I feel that when I chat with God throughout each day, it makes it harder for me to feel far from Him because if He's a part of the little things, He'll be around already for the big ones. I feel that God's really given me a joy in this discipline. Sometimes I'll take a morning, and just spend it in prayer. Those mornings are the best.

And normally this works.  My conversations with God get me through along with reading faith based blogs, listening to worship, and conversing about faith with others.

May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
        for I wait for you.
(Psalm 25:21 ESV)

Spiritual maturity is so interesting isn't it? As we grow, we need more. The needing more is painful because the time spent being disciplined takes away from other things - things of the flesh that so often seem to satisfy for at least a moment.

    Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
        according to your steadfast love remember me,
        for the sake of your goodness, O LORD!
(Psalm 25:7 ESV)

Honestly though, lately I've been feeling plastic when it comes to religion. My faith is real, and I know God is with me in everything, but life is overwhelming. It's hard to go to scripture and to listen to a sermon, when I know that a glass of wine or a tv show will lighten my mood. Does that make sense? I've had a lot of conversations with friends where they don't act like sin is enticing to them. It's bothersome to me, because I struggle with their authenticity. I'm fully aware that I'm drawn to sin like a moth to any source of light. I know I need Jesus and I trust that temptation resisted will lead to spiritual strengthened.

I've felt convicted about my desires to watch tv amongst other things. I was chatting with a friend this morning about it. I'm trying to sort out if I need to give up tv or something else? Is my issue simply that I'm watching tv, or is there something deeper? There obviously is a deeper root issue, but what is it?

Good and upright is the LORD;
        therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
   (Psalm 25:8 ESV)

It's hard too because getting to the root of an issue doesn't necessarily solve it. There is anther big sin in my life that I recently figured out where it comes from, when it started - but that just means I know where it comes from and when it started. I'm still sorting out what it all means and how that changes things.

Am I alone in this? Do others find Spiritual discipline hard? I feel like everyone I talk with seems to either not study or to study and love the Word.. People always say things along the lines of, "I used to really not be disciplined, and then I got disciplined, and now I can't go a day without it". I get that, and I want that, but it's complicated. How do I get there? Is my guilt a good place to start to get myself into the word? What is the motivation? How do I get motivated by something other than guilt? Guiltism doesn't seem like the best bet.

    For your name's sake, O LORD,
        pardon my guilt, for it is great.
(Psalm 25:11 ESV)

I don't know if this is encouraging or disencouraging (sometimes I like to add "dis" to words - and I'm aware that they're fake words - but try saying that aloud - it's quite fun).

I want to end this with a portion of scripture that I do read often. Psalm 34 (below) and Psalm 25 (portions above) fall under my category of most read most definitely.

I will bless the LORD at all times;
        his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
    My soul makes its boast in the LORD;
        let the humble hear and be glad.
    Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
        and let us exalt his name together!
    I sought the LORD, and he answered me
        and delivered me from all my fears.
    Those who look to him are radiant,
        and their faces shall never be ashamed.
    This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
        and saved him out of all his troubles.
    The angel of the LORD encamps
        around those who fear him, and delivers them.
    Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!
        Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
    Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints,
        for those who fear him have no lack!
   
(Psalm 34:1-8 ESV)

It's interesting. I added Psalm 25 into the blog once I was done writing what I had before. The amount of comfort found even as I reread my favourite Psalm and copied it in here was great. But is comfort enough? Do I just want to be comforted by scriptures, which I am often in the Psalms, which is where I camp most often? Or do I want to be stretched?

The Lord is my strength and my song.