Leaving a legacy

I got a phone call a few weeks after I finished my summer internship. It was one of my supervisors calling to encourage me. She had been driving one of the youth I worked with somewhere and had asked her how her summer had been and how she had liked being paired with me.

The girl, bless her lovely heart, said that I had taught her how to be confident.

WHAT!?!?!


I was blown away that God had used me in this capacity to encourage this girl to be confident, mostly because I had never once, not even for a second, considered teaching this girl confidence.

I just acted like myself.





 Let me let you in on a little secret . . . I'm not actually very confident.


And I think that is something God is trying to teach me.

Which, if you've been reading along this week, is something He's been encouraging me to share.

When I walk boldly into something standing on my own strength, it usually flops.

But when I'm loving Jesus, constantly studying the Word with joyful diligence, seeking His presence, and acting like a normal human being, suddenly everyday things become legacies.

This isn't a pride post. I promise.

It's a go live your life and love Jesus every minute because I bet people are going to notice.

I also promise that I'm not saying "preach the gospel and if necessary use words". Always use words. Every minute. No one should question if you love Jesus and no one will know if you never mention His name. But, with this girl, in the context of working with her this summer, we just talked about life. And somehow I encouraged her to be more confident. And my prayer for her now is that her confidence in herself will lead her to a deep relationship with the One who made her.

I want to point to Jesus always.  





Not well-traveled, not well-read
Not well-to-do, or well-bred
Just want to hear instead
Well done, good and faithful one

Dry

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

   

(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV)

I've not recently faced a dry season in my faith.

I've been blessed by a long, beautiful (and incredibly challenging and stretching) season of really feeling God work, speaking to and with Him often, and leaning fully (or at least increasingly) on Him as my faith has grown.

Suddenly things have changed.

    Give ear to my prayer, O God,
        and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
    Attend to me, and answer me;
        I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
    because of the noise of the enemy,
        because of the oppression of the wicked.
    For they drop trouble upon me,
        and in anger they bear a grudge against me.
(Psalm 55:1-3 ESV)

It's been a casual shift over the past couple weeks and I've noticed things in myself that I don't love.

I'm praying less.

Well, that's not true. I'm praying often, but mostly through gritted teeth or with a raised voice.

Before the past few weeks, I'd never yelled at God.
I've petitioned to Him often - for myself, for others, for things, for events, for Him to work.
This anger at Him thing, that's new.

I'm reading my Bible consistently.

And consistently struggling to see Jesus.

I'm questioning everything.

Is God real?

Does God have power?

Can I trust God? . . . Do I trust God?

Why do I believe?

What do I believe?

    My heart is in anguish within me;
        the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
    Fear and trembling come upon me,
        and horror overwhelms me.
    And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
        I would fly away and be at rest;
(Psalm 55:4-6 ESV)

It's leading me to wonder what God is doing in this.

How does me questioning, struggling, wrestling, hurting, and sorrowing bringing God glory?

What in this is beneficial and building?

As I went for a walk tonight on a break between reading chapters for school I was considering how dry spells happen.

While they might be forecasted in the weather, they're typically unexpected, unplanned, unliked, and unstoppable.

They come when they want.

They make a difference on the area.

They last as long as they last (as if the area doesn't know when the dry spell will end).

Dry spells cause struggle.

They cause reliance on what is available.

They promote trust in leadership to provide sustenance for the general public.

They're hard. really really really hard

They feel long, whether or not they actually are.

They seem pointless.

And they end.

Eventually.

I trust Jesus in this.

It's hard.
So hard that a couple weeks ago I told Him that I don't trust Him.

I'd never said that to Him before.
Similar to being angry and yelling at Him, these emotions are new.
They're not common for me.

Faith has always been easy for me. So much so that I considered it a gift from God - the fact that I could unquestionably hope in Him.
 

He's been working hard to show me that He is faithful.

He's ingrained truth into my heart so deep that I can't walk away from God.

I considered it the other night.

God, I'd kind of like to be done with you - but I'm not.

Because I know that You are God.

I know that You are good.

I know that You are powerful.

I know that You are faithful.
I know that I love you, even though it's not a natural emotion today.
As much as I want to walk away from this thing called Christianity I will not because I believe in You.

 

I know that God is love.

I don't feel Him.

But I do know that He is love.

If you're a praying to Jesus person, you're welcome to pray for me in this season.

It's not fun.
I don't like it.

In fact, I hate it greatly.

I'm praying into it every single day.
I'm reading my Bible every single day.
I'm being counseled by women who love Jesus often.

Jesus needs to redeem my soul.
He already has.
HE is the one to do it though - not me.

It's actually more frustrating than anything to be in this season because I know the truth of who God is and I believe it all the way to my heart of hearts.

So questioning is hard because I already know the answer.

    But I call to God,
        and the LORD will save me.
    Evening and morning and at noon
        I utter my complaint and moan,
        and he hears my voice.
    He redeems my soul in safety
        from the battle that I wage,
        for many are arrayed against me.
(Psalm 55:16-18 ESV)

I just have to wait for the rain.

And drink whatever water He provides in the meantime.

    Cast your burden on the LORD,
        and he will sustain you;
    he will never permit
        the righteous to be moved.
(Psalm 55:22 ESV)

I think to Ezekiel and ask Jesus to renew these dry bones that are making up my soul and to fill them with His breathe of life.

    Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the LORD.”
(Ezekiel 37:11-14 ESV)

Meandering Words

I've been thinking a lot about the post I wrote the other day on not being okay, and being okay with that.

It's got more feedback than normal on that post. I've had more friends comment about it, some messages, a few actual blog comments.

I know (and I pray) that God will use this blog through anything I post but it is definitely interesting to see which posts garner a lot of attention. This one on living a life of pages got the most I've ever seen around these parts of the blog world. This one here on living a life that doesn't "do it all myself" also hit home for people.

And then there's this one. After I wrote it, God and I wrestled. Or at least we sort of did. It wasn't physical quite like Jacob's battle, but it was physical in the sense that Jesus won. I'd written that post with a bit of honesty mixed with some embellishment. I hadn't yet found comfort. I wanted it, and I knew God would bring it, but I hadn't actually surrendered my issues to Him quite yet. I went to bed that night and I yelled at Him. I cried. I wept. I hurt. And then I surrendered. It hurt. It was hard. But that's sanctification. 

In the morning, I tentatively asked my roommate if she'd heard me the night before. Nope. Oh good. . . I don't quite know how she didn't hear me. I'll give that miracle credit to Jesus.

I want to write with purpose. I desire to share what God is doing, because God is doing stuff. I see it in my life, I see it in the lives of those around me. I watch it happen in a lot of the blogs I read. People being honest about who Jesus is, what they struggle with, and how much they need Him.

I posted something a bit ago. It's actually one of my favourite pieces I've written in a while. I think it's because a lot of the words are copyrighted to Jesus. It was on prayer. Have you read it? It makes me excited when I re-read the post.  I know this might sound odd, or like pride, but trust me, being excited about sometime God put on your tongue keyboard isn't always pride. Sometimes it's joy: the kind of joy that for me only arrives when I lean on the Holy Spirit instead of myself. 

As I drove home Monday night, I was praying about something, and I just told Jesus how cool it is that I can trust Him with it. I can trust Him because He is God and He knows all things. He works all things for His glory, so I can rest easy (I feel like I say that a lot - that I can let go of control because He is in control, that I can have faith because He is God, etc.). That's hugely comforting. I hope you know Jesus. I really do. I hope you love Him with your whole heart. That you live out the Gospel and that you're a Christian who shows your faith in actions, words, and truth.

I need to become okay with the fact that not all my words will bring in views. I'm not always okay with it (because this girl has huge pride issues and lack of confidence issues and overabundance in fear issues) but I am loved by the King of kings. That helps ease all issues something fierce.

Pride is overcome when I confess it as sin, repent of that sin, and replace it by giving all praise to Jesus.

Lack of confidence is overcome when I confess it as sin, repent of that sin, and rest in the fact that my confidence is in Christ.

Fear is overcome when I confess it as sin, repent of that sin, and replace it with faith and love.

Thursday - Thanks

This past weekend I was part of a wedding. I got to help with setting some stuff up, hanging out with the bridal party for the day, and then MC'ing the reception. 

For part of the morning, I ran a couple of errands with the bride and groom. It just so happened that we basically got every single red light possible.

I mentioned as I noticed red light after red light after red light something along the lines of, 

"Sometimes when I'm driving and get a lot of reds, I like to think that maybe God's protecting me from something".

Like - if we had gotten all the green lights that we wanted maybe we would have gotten in an accident, or caused one.

The same goes for slow cars, or things that come up as I drive that hinder me from getting where I'm going at the speed I'd prefer.

Really, it's true for all of my life. There's so much that goes on completely unseen.

I so often look towards the big things in my life where my plans failed and then I'll see God's hand in it.

So . . . why do I only take time to thank Him for the big things? 

I'll see, sometimes days, weeks, months, or years later that God was setting me on a different path. His protection is so grand. I'll suddenly figure out that God was working me in a path that gave Him more glory than the path I was heading in.

This is the same for everyday life.

For this Thursday - Thanks!, I'm aiming my heart in gratitude towards a God who is so big and powerful that He's working in ways that I'll never know.

I'll never know how many car accidents, severe illnesses, heartbreaks, etc., that I should have gotten in or how many other ways in my day that God provided safety even amidst my complete lack of awareness.

I've written about the season where I walked away from God. In that season, I made a lot of sinful errors. God still has to bring so much peace to my soul on almost a weekly basis for the shame I tend to gravitate towards. 

He graciously whispers grace upon grace upon grace upon grace married with mercy after mercy after mercy after mercy. 

He's a good God.

I was selfish and lived to satisfy myself. There was one big decision that I wrestled with for a while in that season which truly would have changed my life and I honestly think, looking back now, that it might have ruined me. 

Even though I was far far far off from God and living in no way for Him, He provided a way out. He made it so that there was no way that I could make the decision and satisfy myself. On the week when I would have gone forward with the decision (and yes I know I'm being vague about this decision - if you wanna know more about it, take me out for a coffee - I'll share it in person), I got really sick. So sick that I had to stay home and couldn't go out and do what I wanted to do.

God is so good. It's almost overwhelming to type this because I can't even imagine where my life would be if He hadn't welcomed me back into His fold of grace.

So this Thursday, I'm thankful for a God that does so much more for my well being than I will probably ever know.

From red lights to sicknesses, to whatever else I'm unaware of in the moment - I'm oh so grateful. I sure do love Jesus. His grace is incredible.

I'm thankful for the grace of Jesus that comes in a thousand forms on a daily basis.

What about you? What are you thankful for today?