29 October 2011

Pipe Dreams

Just wanted to share a song I wrote today.

It's called Pipe Dreams.

‘cause fairytales, princesses, midnight kisses, it’s all bliss yes
horse, ships, castles too, 
with them I’d be happy 
to go anywhere with my charming
right there by my side
until then I’ll keep sleeping
to keep my dreams alive


25 October 2011


Last night, out of the blue, in amidst not doing homework, a song came to mind. I don't know where it came from, but when you're a few months into a dry spell as a writer of songs, you take what you can get.

I grabbed my guitar, and just started plucking out my idea.

I played the first verse for a long time, singing different lines, over and over. I can't remember exactly which line it was, but all of a sudden, I yelled out! I can't remember what I yelled, I think it was, "YES!" or something. I grabbed my computer and just started typing. I needed to get these words out.

Oftentimes when I write, I find I love my verse, or love my chorus, and sometimes I like both or more. In no way do I feel that this is the best piece I've written. Yet something about this song is a bit more honest that I've been able to pen other thoughts out. There is something in each word, in each phrase, in each note - that speaks my heart.

As I mentioned in the last post (I think it was that one), songwriting is how I process. I pen down in a more or less symbolic way my heart. By writing this song down, I think I can start to move forward more so than I have been doing. As I move forward, I trust that more songs will come to represent different aspects of that same heart.

As a premise before I write the words down here and share the link, I feel a need to add more description to it. This song is yes, about my heart right now. It is most specifically about a certain person, and yet it is about a lot more than that. As I sing it, I visualize more than just a picture of a boy I dated this summer. I see more than that, because life is about a lot more than just that. This song, the blog, and most definitely this girl - I write here to share my heart. And if I have to hide the situations I face, then I can't be honest. I make distinct choices about what I blog about, and who I write about, but all in all, it is not about hurting anyone.

Ten weeks and two days ago a boy asked me out.
Six weeks and one day ago a boy told me that I wasn't the one for him. He told me that I'm perfect for him, but not for him. It's been one of the most complex sentences and paragraphs of my life to disect.

God is so gracious. Mostly I've been distracted by all the things He is teaching me. I don't have time to think about how I can be right for someone yet not right for them. He keeps me busy so I don't look back on a beautiful relationship and see holes. My job is to praise God in every season, regardless of whether they are seasons of joy or sorrow.

This song doesn't talk about Jesus. It's almost hard to find Jesus in this song. But He is here.

And who I was then is far different than now. That is a lot more about Jesus than a heartbreak. I'm only different because God allows situations to come into my life. God allows me to be broken so that I need Him all the more. He allows me to have my heart hurt so that I realize that the only thing I need is His love. That's not a, "all I need is Jesus" statement. I need Jesus, I need community, I need teaching, I need learning, I need discipline, and the list continues for a long time. I feel like I am on the tail-end of this heartache. I still feel hurt often, but more often than not, I can direct my emotion to Jesus. Yesterday, as I considered the location I had stood six weeks prior as I came home from work same as I did that day, I asked Jesus to distract my heart. I asked Him to remind me that He is God, and He is sovereign. I think part of that distraction came a few hours later, late in the evening, when the words and sounds of this song came into place.

This is turning into a long premise.

This song is called wither.

if I could go back in time
would I still use the same rhyme
would i use it differently
or would I diffuse beautifully
would I weather a different storm
or would I wither from the scorn

I don’t know if I can sing the same songs
Cause the girl of yesterday wouldn’t have known how to hum along
And who I was then is far different than now
Cause all I do now is ask why and how

if I could erase the day
the day he asked for me to delay
would I change my response
or would i change my direction
would I directly ignore the signs
or would I be able to tear myself away from the vine


I don’t know if I can sing the same song
Cause the girl of yesterday wouldn’t have known how to sing along
And who I was then is far different than now
Cause all I do now is ask why and how

if I could go back ten weeks
would I have known that I could get so weak
if I could go back ten weeks
would I have known that I'd still be this weak
if I could go back ten weeks
would I still go through it all


I don’t know if I can sing the same song
Cause the girl of yesterday wouldn’t have known how to hum or sing along
And who I was then is far different than now
Cause all I do now is ask why and how

I don’t know if I can sing the same song
Cause the girl of yesterday wouldn’t have known how to hum along
And who I was then is far different than now
Cause all I do now is ask why and how

if I could go back ten weeks
would I still be this weak
would I weather a different storm
or would I wither from the scorn
 I'd probably be weathering a different storm
but I'll never wither from the scorn

As I read through the lyrics now, a solid not yet twenty-four hours since they were written, something about them tells me that this is a lot more about Jesus than I thought.

if I could go back ten years, I would not have written the life I live currently as what I desired. I wanted to be a teacher (I think - though my indecisive heart is consistent in that I never really knew what I wanted)

if I could go back four or five years ago, I would not have written the life I live now as what I desired. I wanted to be married by twenty, at least, and wanted to have four children before I was thirty. My entire life I have always desired to be a young mom.

if I could go back twelve weeks, I would not have expected the following experiences. I didn't expect to meet him. I didn't expect to date. I didn't expect for it not to work. I think mostly though, I really didn't expect to have someone want to date me. (this isn't a depressive "nobody loves me" messages - simply an honest depiction of where I was at) I chatted with a friend about the fact that when we pray for God to bring someone (a romantic someone) into our life, we expect that it probably will not happen for about five years or so.

if I could go back ten weeks and four days, I certainly did not expect what was going to happen four days from then. I sat on a picnic bench that Wednesday up at camp and poured out my heart to the Lord. I repeated Psalm twenty-five over and over and over again. Four days later, I repeated it to the Lord again with a thankful heart. Four week later, I repeated it to the Lord with a questioning heart. It might be time to go read it again with a new heart.

if I could go forward ten weeks from now, I expect I'd still be able to sing the same song. It might have a different tune and a different message, but I wouldn't be able to sing it yet. I don't even know how to hum along.

I don't know where God is leading me. I do know that I love the Lord, and He is teaching me new things often, stretching my thoughts and beliefs every time I ask Him to.

if I could go back to my ten years back self, my four or five years back self, my twelve weeks back self, my ten weeks back self, every part of my self I have experienced, I think I would point myself in the direction of the cross.

In the song, there is one line which I hope isn't misheard. It's a one word line. no. If I could go back in time, and had known what would happen, I probably wouldn't have gone through with it. Yet after going through this season, I would go back. I wouldn't change anything. It has given me more compassion, and much much more trust that God is the healer of every pain I experience.

My plans are great. Beautiful and comfortable. Never as stunning as the Lord's. He is sovereign, and because of that, I will never ever wither.

11 October 2011

Surrender and Repeat on Edit

I wrote this earlier today, and am close to deleting it. Instead I'll edit and see how I feel later.

Mostly because I'm sick of seeming to write the same thing. Largely due to the fact that I wish I could keep these emotions in, hidden. I can't seem to figure out how to represent myself right now. I wrote a verse for a song today. That's all I've written (songwriting wise) in the past month. In a month filled with a lot of emotion, you'd think that I'd be writing up a storm.  I'm scared to write out these emotions because writing them out makes them set in stone. I'm not sure if that makes sense. An hour ago I pulled out my guitar, and played songs I wrote in January. I remember where I was when I wrote them both physically and emotionally. I know who was sitting beside me, and the people who inspired the songs. I can vividly feel those emotions when I play the songs. So somehow now, by not writing my emotions into song I am avoiding future pain. Yet by keeping them in, I am prolonging this pain. I know this because after writing the songs in January I was able to move forward. It might be time to spend a day with my guitar.

Heartache is not like a headache which you can treat with a pill, but is a bit more like a twisted ankle that slowly gains strength over a length of time. Bad eyes get glasses, bad teeth get braces. Cold hands wear gloves, and when it rains, one grabs an umbrella.

There are various remedies; chocolate, ice cream, tears, chick flicks, girl times, etc, etc.... There is also Jesus. A lot of Jesus. A lot of surrender. Yet heartache doesn't get cured. It just has to be constantly dealt with. Or at least that's how mine is.

Surrender. surrender. surrender. surrender. surrender. Repeat. Rinse? Surrender.

I keep having to re-throne the Lord. Because every time I get hit with a wave, I realize how much more of Jesus I need. I realize how broken I am, not only because of all that has happened, but also because my sin is great. Yet my Maker is greater. His faithfulness is more endless than the horizon seems to stretch, and his love is unending.

The "pro" of this experience in my life is that it makes me need Jesus to fill the voids I mentioned a while ago. I'm learning that Jesus fills the voids. No person or thing can fill them. Jesus is the only thing that will bring joy to my heart. A gospel centered life is the only way to live.

In the middle of family dinner on Thanksgiving, I suddenly was hit with a wave. I looked around and realized that there was supposed to be an extra seat there. I was skyping with my brother, and thought of the shadow that was supposed to be leaning over my shoulder joining in the conversation. We were sharing the things we were thankful for, and it took me a really really long time to share what I was thankful for because I knew what I would have shared if life hadn't shifted this way.

My list of thanks is large. My family is beautiful. Each of them is uniquely different from one another, yet share so many things in common (like our taste in jokes - ugh). I'm incredibly thankful for Megan, my sweet roommate. Her constant support for me over the past month has been over and above the call of duty for her. I'm over the moon thankful for my church.  I am thankful for the friendships I have due to meeting people there, and for the teaching I hear each week. My Vancouver life would be a lot different if I didn't go there. I'm thankful for my home. My third Vancouver home is the first one which I have no desire to leave. I'm thankful for my job. I love getting to hang out with my kids twice a week, and watch them slowly grow up. School isn't exactly on my list of thankfulness, but I am thankful for the doors that potentially will be opened due to me being obedient in going back to school.

I only edited out a bit of this. Took out some anger, and filled in some love.

I'm really liking this song lately. Here's another version. I think I like the second version better.

I never meant to wither. I wanted to be tall.

Wipe the mark of sadness from my face.
Show me that your love will never change.
If my yesterday is a disgrace.
Tell me that you still recall my name.

And I wont fight for anyone until you move my hands.

My trust and hope is in the Lord. His love is endless, and He has a plan for my life that is beautiful. Beautiful not because it is what I desire. Beautiful because it will bring glory to His name. Beautiful because it helps me to more and more seek first the kingdom.