24 September 2011

Hold Me Together

Hello Mercy,
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have the remedy

They told me You would be for me

So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't

Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell now

Can you hold me together

Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart

Falling apar

Saying so long, been lost, been gone

Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

I keep on floating not knowing

If there is more for me

Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity

I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

Can you hold me together

Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart, yeah
Falling apart
Oh, Lord

I'm feeling stronger

With you by my side
And I realize You are my hope
I need to know

Can you hold me together

Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart,
Falling apart, yeah
Hold me together Lord

Without You,

I'm falling apart
Falling apar

I bought this song by Royal Tailor earlier this week. I just hit my 137th (and counting) play. Part of the reason is that is it catchy. Part of it is that it captures a bit of my heart. And part of it is that it is beautiful. The Lord is the only thing that holds me together. He is my strength. 

I changed my fb profile picture to a comic. You probably don't know this, but I dislike strongly when people put pictures not of themselves as their profile picture. I think it is odd. I don't get it. And yet I did it. Because as I was looking at my pictures, I couldn't find one of myself that describes who I am right now. So a comic about a tadpole wanting to be a doctor and being told that it will only ever be a frog - that's me now. Right now I'm a dreamy tadpole.

God's plan is perfect. It's not just a look back and see what God has done in the past to prove the future. It's a look around at everything and see how beautifully God has weaved together this world. The sky has had a lot of emotion today. It's been bright, clear, cloudy, grey, blue, white, light grey, dark grey. It's been everywhere. Yesterday I drove with a friend and we talked about how the sky so often points us to the magnificence of the Lord. It shows me His strength when I see the sun pushing through the clouds.

22 September 2011

The Escape

Last night I had this moment when everything went wrong.

My day was good. Beautiful actually. It started with the dentist fixing a tooth that chipped on Monday. For some reason I don't think I've ever minded going to the dentist. And my dentist is just so kind that it is almost a treat to get to got there!

The day went by ...

Later I went to my evening class. I really enjoyed it, but was aware that I have a long way to go to understand statistics and the science aspect that apparently are a large part of psychology. I stayed after and asked my prof for some help. She was so kind. She stayed for about half an hour with myself and a couple other students who heard me asking for help and explained it. I still feel like most of it is foggy, but it's far less foggy than before.

I often have to remind myself that it is okay that I don't know things. It's a hard balance because I do know a lot of things, and I am quite smart, but I've been out of education for a while. My high school math skills are basically non-existent anymore, and everything I might have tried to learn in Sciences I flushed out intentionally after my exams were done. Anyone who was in my biology 12 class would know that biology is not my strong suit. Yet I don't like the fact that I don't just know things. Learning is apparently a process.

Anyways, then I went home. I got a few more things done, listened to music, so on so forth, and eventually went to bed.

Up until now this week, since Monday, I've been doing pretty good. I know I didn't blog about the weekend. I'm not sure I can. The things I would have to write would probably come out wrong. Just know that it was hard. Yet amidst the fact that it was emotionally trying, God let me hear truth from various people. I also played fun games, danced as if I know how to (not), and made a crap load of buttons.

I've had a certain chat a few times over the past week and a half. I always seem to get back to this point. My struggle is a lot less to do with being broken-up with than it is with the fact that I was okay being single. And now I'm not. Daily I'm having to remind myself of my worth in Christ. I had to do that before, but it wasn't quite so often, and my prayers weren't quite so needy.

I wasn't a desperate single. I prayed that God would bring a man into my life who would love me, but I kind of figured it wouldn't happen for a while. I'm young, I'm busy, I'm apparently unique and so I figured my chances were low.

But then I met someone.

And it was great. It was the most fun month I have had in a very long time. And then it ended. Which is okay. God has given me a lot of peace that it is right that it ended. His timing is perfect. Sometimes I forget, and need reminder, but for the most part I've come to the conclusion that though the relationship was wonderful, it was not the right one.

But now what? Now I know how excellent it is to be cared for. One of my favourite aspects of dating was that I got to care for him. I got to pray for him, to listen to his thoughts, and to stand beside him. It's amazing how quickly someone fills voids in your life that you were not aware were there. Once that person is gone, you see voids. I won't list them, but I see them.

How do I sort this out? How do I remember how much I enjoyed being single? How do I put myself back to that place where I was confident in being by myself, and diligent in serving God with my time? How do I do these things?

So then last night. I went to bed. I closed my eyes. And so many things flashed before my eyes. The hardest part was that they were all good memories of the relationship. All my favourite moments flashed before my eyes, and the devil whispered to me that I'm not okay. He told me that I'm not worth it. He told me that I'm alone, that no one cares, and that no one will ever fall for me again.

I sat up. I knew that I was hearing words that were not truth. But I let myself listen. For a minute or two I sat there listening.

Then I caught myself. [No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.] (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I grabbed my phone and texted a few friends. I asked for prayer. I told them a bit of what was happening, and begged that they pray on my behalf.

I started to try to sleep again.

But I wanted to go back to those images. I wanted to hear those lies. Because I wanted to be sad. I couldn't. I tried to picture those same pictures, but my mind wouldn't go there. I physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I was not allowed to go to those places. Because God had heard the prayers and was providing the escape.

God is so good. As you read what I wrote, I hope that is all that you see. He is faithful. He is with us. He is here.

14 September 2011

Carry Me

Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe i

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide
You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide

-Audry Assad
I just need to point out that the Lord has blessed me with incredibly supportive friends and family.

I'm seeking to surround myself with His truth today.
I don't want to listen to sad songs and get angry.

I want to look back on this time and see that God worked because God is working.

This past year is not one I wish to repeat.
I hated losing my job, questioning timing of various lack of opportunities, working in jobs where I had little joy, slowly watching things change when I needed faster results, and the opposite of waiting a lot in amidst feeling like I was ready for things.

Nothing has been my timing. Nothing.

This week I keep reminding myself of how hard this year has been.
I need also to remember the goodness.
God has taught me more this year than I think any other year combined, and I trust that I'll say the same thing next year.

I've learnt the importance of naming my sin. Naming, claiming, refraining.
Then rethroning Christ.

Heartache is a new thing for me.
At least this kind of heartache.
I've been single before. I spent most of my life here.
This time it is harder though.
It's hard to no longer get to hang out with the someone who was becoming a part of my daily life and certainly a part of my forever dreams.

Yet I have to trust.
I don't want to.
If anything it actually angers me that I know that God is faithful.
It'd be a lot easier to choose to sin and be angry and bitter, but I can't.

God is too good for me to waste time.
He is too faithful for me to forget.


13 September 2011

I know this full well

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

     -Psalm 13

I don't feel a strong need to explain my heart. It is in a state it hasn't been before. I sat in my car this evening and sobbed this prayer in front of my God. I know He is faithful. I know He is good. I know He has His best interest for me which always has to do with giving Himself the glory that He deserves. For that I am thankful.

Circumstances are not always amazing. Seasons change four times a year times it seems a million in my life. 

Last night I cried as I considered how hard this year has been, and sorrowed in this new season.

My God is good. He is true. He is strong. He is faithful. My fears are stilled and silenced at His throne.

My desire in each day, in each circumstance, always, is to give Him glory and witness well for Him.

Today I sorrow. But come some tomorrow, I will sing songs of joy. I know this full well.