Every once in a while, I get inspiration to write something. I'm not always near a pen, but typically always near my phone. Sometimes I record song ideas, and every once in a while I speak out what I'm thinking. It's usually when I'm confused about something and need to hear myself speak in order to make sense.
Last week I was going through my phone, listening to all my voice notes. Most were songs or lyric ideas, but one in particular stood out. I'll share part of it. Some of it is different than my perspective now, in the sense that God has taught me new things daily this year as I know He will continue on each day forward. This week I've thought a lot about these words I said a year ago. The questioning of my faith is still the same.
"I feel like I'm in this weird weird phase in my life where I constantly question my faith.
Like all the time.
And I feel like if I say that to people, they're gonna go, "um, you shouldn't say that."
And I get that.
But I'm not saying it the way you think.
I'm not questioning my God.
Or the source of my faith
. . . or what my faith is in or whatever
- I'm questioning MY faith
I was thinking today about how
if you believe that there's air but you are always passing out from not breathing - then you probably wouldn't be a pretty good advocate for air.
At the end of the day, air wouldn't be on your list.
And I was thinking about God and Jesus and the faith and Christianity... and all that is encompassed in what I believe.
It's one thing to say
There is a God, there is a Jesus, there is a Holy Spirit.
I believe in the IDEA that the faith encompasses.
It's a whole other thing to live it out.
. . . It's all I wanna do
I have a list of the things I wanna do . . .
One is to love Jesus - which means to love everyone, which is ridiculous, because God loves me, and that's ridiculous enough, and I feel like this year, I learnt how to love myself, through God, but some of my goals would be to love God and for all people to do the same.
When I consider some of the people that I care about
and where they will be spending eternity - it breaks my heart
. . . A friend recently told me that she considers me a woman of prayer, and like the girl in Proverbs 31.
She is who I want to be.
All that I believe and all I base my life on is Jesus. Proverbs 31 is where I go when I'm trying to sort out what that means for me.
. . . When I consider all that God has done - my whole life, and especially recently, I feel like I can say that I'm a woman of God now.
And I can mean it which is so incredible and honouring and all that I want.
I want to know Christ and the power of the resurrection of the cross.
. . .
So when I say that I'm questioning my faith.
I don't question my God.
I question my due diligence to His purpose.
. . .
Today I looked at the city, and the sun was making it shine.
And I thanked God that he lets me live here.
I'm so thankful for this time on earth.
And when I think of how beautiful Vancouver is, and all the places I've seen in the world - I can only imagine how seriously good and overwhelmingly beautiful heaven will be.
So I'm going to keep questioning my faith - hopefully everyday.
And I'm going to give each day back to God, everyday."
And that's my thoughts from one year ago.
Coming soon - recent thoughts and things God's been teaching.