Dry

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

   

(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ESV)

I've not recently faced a dry season in my faith.

I've been blessed by a long, beautiful (and incredibly challenging and stretching) season of really feeling God work, speaking to and with Him often, and leaning fully (or at least increasingly) on Him as my faith has grown.

Suddenly things have changed.

    Give ear to my prayer, O God,
        and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
    Attend to me, and answer me;
        I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
    because of the noise of the enemy,
        because of the oppression of the wicked.
    For they drop trouble upon me,
        and in anger they bear a grudge against me.
(Psalm 55:1-3 ESV)

It's been a casual shift over the past couple weeks and I've noticed things in myself that I don't love.

I'm praying less.

Well, that's not true. I'm praying often, but mostly through gritted teeth or with a raised voice.

Before the past few weeks, I'd never yelled at God.
I've petitioned to Him often - for myself, for others, for things, for events, for Him to work.
This anger at Him thing, that's new.

I'm reading my Bible consistently.

And consistently struggling to see Jesus.

I'm questioning everything.

Is God real?

Does God have power?

Can I trust God? . . . Do I trust God?

Why do I believe?

What do I believe?

    My heart is in anguish within me;
        the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
    Fear and trembling come upon me,
        and horror overwhelms me.
    And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
        I would fly away and be at rest;
(Psalm 55:4-6 ESV)

It's leading me to wonder what God is doing in this.

How does me questioning, struggling, wrestling, hurting, and sorrowing bringing God glory?

What in this is beneficial and building?

As I went for a walk tonight on a break between reading chapters for school I was considering how dry spells happen.

While they might be forecasted in the weather, they're typically unexpected, unplanned, unliked, and unstoppable.

They come when they want.

They make a difference on the area.

They last as long as they last (as if the area doesn't know when the dry spell will end).

Dry spells cause struggle.

They cause reliance on what is available.

They promote trust in leadership to provide sustenance for the general public.

They're hard. really really really hard

They feel long, whether or not they actually are.

They seem pointless.

And they end.

Eventually.

I trust Jesus in this.

It's hard.
So hard that a couple weeks ago I told Him that I don't trust Him.

I'd never said that to Him before.
Similar to being angry and yelling at Him, these emotions are new.
They're not common for me.

Faith has always been easy for me. So much so that I considered it a gift from God - the fact that I could unquestionably hope in Him.
 

He's been working hard to show me that He is faithful.

He's ingrained truth into my heart so deep that I can't walk away from God.

I considered it the other night.

God, I'd kind of like to be done with you - but I'm not.

Because I know that You are God.

I know that You are good.

I know that You are powerful.

I know that You are faithful.
I know that I love you, even though it's not a natural emotion today.
As much as I want to walk away from this thing called Christianity I will not because I believe in You.

 

I know that God is love.

I don't feel Him.

But I do know that He is love.

If you're a praying to Jesus person, you're welcome to pray for me in this season.

It's not fun.
I don't like it.

In fact, I hate it greatly.

I'm praying into it every single day.
I'm reading my Bible every single day.
I'm being counseled by women who love Jesus often.

Jesus needs to redeem my soul.
He already has.
HE is the one to do it though - not me.

It's actually more frustrating than anything to be in this season because I know the truth of who God is and I believe it all the way to my heart of hearts.

So questioning is hard because I already know the answer.

    But I call to God,
        and the LORD will save me.
    Evening and morning and at noon
        I utter my complaint and moan,
        and he hears my voice.
    He redeems my soul in safety
        from the battle that I wage,
        for many are arrayed against me.
(Psalm 55:16-18 ESV)

I just have to wait for the rain.

And drink whatever water He provides in the meantime.

    Cast your burden on the LORD,
        and he will sustain you;
    he will never permit
        the righteous to be moved.
(Psalm 55:22 ESV)

I think to Ezekiel and ask Jesus to renew these dry bones that are making up my soul and to fill them with His breathe of life.

    Then he said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Behold, they say, ‘Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.’ Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord GOD: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel. And you shall know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves, and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I am the LORD; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the LORD.”
(Ezekiel 37:11-14 ESV)

Resting

I have all evening to write tonight. Yesterday, all day while I worked, I thought up blog posts. I thought up so many ideas of things to write. 


This moment I have time - 
this moment the words are hard to come by.


Because each time I go to type, except for this time, I've felt distracted. 


Not by things, but by thoughts. I told my sister today that I feel like my thoughts lately have just been racing by - akin to a photo album being skipped through really quickly. 


I've been allowing myself to rest in anxiety. Isn't that awful? I agree. I had a slight reprieve last weekend when I was forced to be silent for a few hours during a day retreat with my church. 


In those couple hours of silence God spoke much peace to my soul.


I've allowed things to get loud again since then. I've let whispers of lies fill my ears and heart. Each time I've gone to Jesus to hand off my anxious thoughts He's quickly brought peace back to me.


I wonder sometimes if others have racing thoughts. I can only assume that they do (or that they don't). Anxiety is a new things for me - in fact I'm typically not even a worrier at all. I get stressed over circumstances sometimes but usually I can remain at least calm enough to deal with what's going on.


I've written before about my fear of man. I told someone about it the other day in passing and they thought I was afraid of men. Nope. Just everybody! Posts like this scare me and stretch me. Posts where I'm honest about the fact that this week was hard, that my tears have been dripping out more than usual, and that Jesus has had to carry me a lot more than I normally notice Him carry me.


So what does one do when lies are louder than truth, and fears are larger than trust? 


Cast your burden on the LORD,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.
(Psalm 55:22 ESV)




This girl has been casting her cares away. I'm casting them away in each moment. The only times I'm not successful at casting them away is when I hold on to them. Gross.


I realized something beautiful this week one day as I was driving from job one to job two. When Jesus met some of the disciples, two of them dropped their nets and followed him. It made me think about what dropping nets would look like, and somehow got to thinking about casting away cares.


In the world we live in, fishing is probably most thought of as fly fishing (or what I envision - someone throwing/hoisting/aka-working-to-throw-their-fishing-rod into the water). However, in the times of Jesus, fishing looked like casting a net into the water - aka dropping a net into the water.


This realisation brought much peace to my soul as I realised that Jesus doesn't call me to hoist/throw/etc. my cares to Him. He calls me to drop them into the water. The water is living, it is life, and it is Him. The cares flow in His river of life. His loves surrounds my soul and brings peace.


Isn't that amazing? Wow. 


Did you think about it? I'm so accustomed to thinking about having to work to get things done that I somehow decided that it would take work for me to cast my cares away. Nope. I just need to drop them.


Rest in that with me tonight. Because I can't handle resting in anxiety anymore. I need to rest in Jesus.




Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
(1 Peter 5:6-11 ESV)






Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
(Matthew 11:28 ESV)


Resting in restlessness is silly. I'm done with that. I choose to rest in Jesus.