Last night I had this moment when everything went wrong.
My day was good. Beautiful actually. It started with the dentist fixing a tooth that chipped on Monday. For some reason I don't think I've ever minded going to the dentist. And my dentist is just so kind that it is almost a treat to get to got there!
The day went by ...
Later I went to my evening class. I really enjoyed it, but was aware that I have a long way to go to understand statistics and the science aspect that apparently are a large part of psychology. I stayed after and asked my prof for some help. She was so kind. She stayed for about half an hour with myself and a couple other students who heard me asking for help and explained it. I still feel like most of it is foggy, but it's far less foggy than before.
I often have to remind myself that it is okay that I don't know things. It's a hard balance because I do know a lot of things, and I am quite smart, but I've been out of education for a while. My high school math skills are basically non-existent anymore, and everything I might have tried to learn in Sciences I flushed out intentionally after my exams were done. Anyone who was in my biology 12 class would know that biology is not my strong suit. Yet I don't like the fact that I don't just know things. Learning is apparently a process.
Anyways, then I went home. I got a few more things done, listened to music, so on so forth, and eventually went to bed.
Up until now this week, since Monday, I've been doing pretty good. I know I didn't blog about the weekend. I'm not sure I can. The things I would have to write would probably come out wrong. Just know that it was hard. Yet amidst the fact that it was emotionally trying, God let me hear truth from various people. I also played fun games, danced as if I know how to (not), and made a crap load of buttons.
I've had a certain chat a few times over the past week and a half. I always seem to get back to this point. My struggle is a lot less to do with being broken-up with than it is with the fact that I was okay being single. And now I'm not. Daily I'm having to remind myself of my worth in Christ. I had to do that before, but it wasn't quite so often, and my prayers weren't quite so needy.
I wasn't a desperate single. I prayed that God would bring a man into my life who would love me, but I kind of figured it wouldn't happen for a while. I'm young, I'm busy, I'm apparently unique and so I figured my chances were low.
But then I met someone.
And it was great. It was the most fun month I have had in a very long time. And then it ended. Which is okay. God has given me a lot of peace that it is right that it ended. His timing is perfect. Sometimes I forget, and need reminder, but for the most part I've come to the conclusion that though the relationship was wonderful, it was not the right one.
But now what? Now I know how excellent it is to be cared for. One of my favourite aspects of dating was that I got to care for him. I got to pray for him, to listen to his thoughts, and to stand beside him. It's amazing how quickly someone fills voids in your life that you were not aware were there. Once that person is gone, you see voids. I won't list them, but I see them.
How do I sort this out? How do I remember how much I enjoyed being single? How do I put myself back to that place where I was confident in being by myself, and diligent in serving God with my time? How do I do these things?
So then last night. I went to bed. I closed my eyes. And so many things flashed before my eyes. The hardest part was that they were all good memories of the relationship. All my favourite moments flashed before my eyes, and the devil whispered to me that I'm not okay. He told me that I'm not worth it. He told me that I'm alone, that no one cares, and that no one will ever fall for me again.
I sat up. I knew that I was hearing words that were not truth. But I let myself listen. For a minute or two I sat there listening.
Then I caught myself. [No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.] (1 Corinthians 10:13)
I grabbed my phone and texted a few friends. I asked for prayer. I told them a bit of what was happening, and begged that they pray on my behalf.
I started to try to sleep again.
But I wanted to go back to those images. I wanted to hear those lies. Because I wanted to be sad. I couldn't. I tried to picture those same pictures, but my mind wouldn't go there. I physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I was not allowed to go to those places. Because God had heard the prayers and was providing the escape.
God is so good. As you read what I wrote, I hope that is all that you see. He is faithful. He is with us. He is here.