"Think of all the hostility Jesus endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.” (Hebrews 12:3)
I read it and was encouraged to remain strong in Christ, and also was reminded of something that made me sit up at pay attention.
The majority of the hostility that I endure on a daily basis is self induced.
I’ve certainly gone through seasons where the hostility came from others. There’s a reason I decided to work as a nanny and not have co-workers in my day. I got hurt last year. It's scary to consider a different job than the one I have now, the one where it's simply me and the baby.
But right now? It’s my mind that is hostile. It’s my thoughts. It’s my self mutilating hatred of self.
As I pondered the hostility I put myself through, the questions I ask myself over and over (why can’t you just . . .), the glares I’ve given myself in the mirror, the late nights without sleep as I’ve considered over and over the day behind and the day ahead - I was reminded of something simple.
Self hostility doesn’t have to continue.
And it’s been a lot less lately than nearly any season prior.
I have friends who call me out when they hear me saying things about myself that I should not.
I have a God who brings scripture to mind when I feel overwhelmed and under qualified.
I’ve been asking God to help me believe that He loves me. Knowing He loves me is doing odd things to my self-loathing, as in it’s slowly discontinuing it. It's that darn grace of His. Grace changes us..
Hebrews 12 ends with some solid truth:
Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire (verses 28-29).
The love of God is valuable because God is a consuming fire. His kingdom cannot be shaken. He is worthy of all worship. Wow.
His love makes me want to love myself.
That’s what true love looks like I think. When we know that we are fully accepted by someone, we start to fully accept ourselves.
I’ve never been in love, but I think I might be on to something.