28 November 2012

Jesus is in me always

Up until the other day, I thought I needed to preface/finish everything I spoke and wrote with Jesus. 

But here's the thing, Jesus is in me always. I can be honest.

I went for lunch last week and was honest with a friend about some areas I'm wrestling with lately.

Then I went for drinks with friends in the evening and was honest about how I was feeling about singleness.

(note: I don't think I've been making a habit of lying. I think I just tend to keep a lot of myself hidden for protection. Some of which is natural and normal, and some of which is rooted in fear of man.)

I've gotten excellent, as I realized last week
as I wrote the coffee date post, at not being honest with people.

working at fixing that up. I'm not quite sure how to be honest. Sometime in me decided that if I acted selflessly, (read: not telling the people who are supposed to know how I am actually doing in life) people would want to be my friend. 

And if I acted strong, maybe I could convince people that I was.

I've been trying to hold my life up on my own strength.

I want to end this post with

Not because I have to, in a
if I don't write His name enough in a post, you might think I don't actually love Him enough but in a I NEED JESUS right now because nothing else works.

I'm working on things but all I can do is surrender.

How do I reconcile these desires? Desires to serve with needs to be honest? Desires to love with my apparent need to gain love?

I sent an honest email to one of my pastors this week and his reply started with this:

Take a deep breath. Now, exhale, take another deep breathe and exhale again.
(And then don't stop that, because breathing is important...:) )
You're fine. Wrestling with God is good, resting in his mercy is better.
. . .

As his email continued, he pointed me to Jesus and just encouraged me to ABIDE in God's love.

Sounds like a plan, eh?

What do you do? Do you try to put up a strong front, be fully honest, or find a middle ground? What's the right thing to do? 

I lived the first 18 years of my life on rules. Then I spent 3 years breaking them. Now I've spent 3 years relearning Jesus and lately found myself living by them again. Whoops!

? What do you do?

P.S. I'm been writing my testimony out. It's taking me some time because it's scary to share the parts of my story where I didn't love Jesus. I'm praying over what to share, how much to share, and how to share. Pray okay? Cool.