I stood alongside my church last night at a worship night in our new building. Through the generosity of many, we're moving into a large and huge building downtown. I've written about feeling small on its stage, on marveling at WHO God is.
Last night was a worship night.
I stood amidst friends, amidst believers in Jesus, and we sang and we sang and we sang.
I did my normal singing, harmonizing, raising my hands, raising my face to look at the ceiling - I always sense the Holy Spirit in the rafters. It's a sweet gift for my soul.
I did all my normal worship routines, things that mean so much to me, and I felt so little.
I stood singing truths, but in my mind I had to force myself to continue.
In scripture it shares to take every thought captive.
I had to do that last night as I sang truth.
For the entirety of the service, I was combating the lies in my head.
Because the truth is the Christ died so that sinners may have abundant life.
It's a hard truth to remember when big huge securities in your life fall to the side.
And big huge securities in my life fell to the side this past week.
It's been a week of utmost worship to my King Jesus.
Of hard questions, of deep thoughts, of dance parties by myself simply to lighten the mood of my emotions.
It's been a week of worship.
So last night, as I stood in the crowd singing, I kept praying that God would break my hard heartedness.
That He would ruin my stiffness and give me Himself.
And then Oceans came on, and I could barely sing along because I've been singing that song for weeks, and I'm facing the repercussions of it now.
I prayed to have trust without borders and God has broken every border I know to exist.
I prayed for feet that go far, and I've never felt so pushed in my life.
I've felt deep grace in deep waters, abounding grace.
As those words came, I dropped to my knees and finally felt my heart melt.
But not in praise, in desperation.
As I heard my church sing the words, I prayed viciously,
please no further.
please no further.
I'm not sure what God has for me next, but though my heart is hurt and my life is a little crazy, I do know that He has a good plan.